its been awhile..........

i dont even know if anyone even still follows these blogs in general, especially mine, but sometimes i get in a mood to write, and it is at these times that i find myself on here, spewing my thoughts, for all the world to see and yet no one to look at it, but that is okay, i feel the ability to be almost totally candid and honest because of that, it makes for a great open forum for myself, so it is nice............... i have found myself undergoing a fundamental paradigm shift recently though, it is interesting, my attitude has been undergoing a transformation before my very eyes, ive said it many times before but i really do feel as though i am coming out of a very dark part of my life, and into a much better time, sure there are still stresses and still struggles, that is life, an ongoing up and down of the unforeseen, but ultimately i am handling it better, i find myself crawling away from the depressed opression of my own brain, allowing myself to see the positive in life and in myself, allowing myself to laugh and be open, to be myself, this can sometimes get me into mild trouble simply because of my brash and open sense of humor, i feel like sometiimes i take it too far but ultimately i find the most obscene and offensive things in life as the most humorous at times, simply because you have to poke fun at the ridiculous, and oftentimes the seriousness of obscenity is the most ridiculous thing we run across in this world, incredulousness seems to need to be made fun of, if we cannot laugh at that which sorely needs to be laughed at then how can we be expected to truly combat the ridiculousness of life in general, anyways i digressed a wee bit there, but ultimately, life has been going well, i have seen this in many aspects, there has been a change in my own interactions with people, not only the retarded (but sometimes cool) customers at my work, as well as with people i have known almost my entire life, to new people i meet and interact with, i have an infectious personality when i am joking happy and jovial, people look up to me, or at least take value in my opinion and my thoughts more when i am not beating up myself and just enjoying life, they tend to want to be around me and talk to me more, the interactions are more positive, and i feel, overall, better, and it has been wonderful, hey i still get grumpy, but dont we all, but i get through it, and laugh again........... life is good, and getting better........................

life

i have done a lot of growing up over the past couple months and even more so over the past couple of weeks and even more so over the past week and even more so over the past day....... confusing huh? i always feel like im growing or attempting to, but in many ways i have simply been stagnant for a few years really, maybe even more than that, what happened to me? i lost my will to have drive, i had a horrible attitude and never did anything with myself to attempt to accomplish anything....... so what the hell happened? i cant really pinpoint any one thing at all, a multitude of things has brought me to this point, nudges in the right direction from friends, sometimes not in the best possible manner, but nudges nonetheless, needless to say life is starting to branch out for me a little bit because i am allowing it to, sure i have my tough days, some days im grumpy and none too happy, but i am trying to get a better grasp on this as well, im trying to keep myself busier than i have been, take today for example, hungover as fuck today, had a great fuckin night though, went and saw 'the hangover' (i know, kind of ironic) with a couple coworkers, downed many a beer, stayed out hung out with them, played some pool, saw a girl checkin me out, and rather than becoming some 'missed connection' or something, i actually just went up to her and introduced myself, was kind of funny too, her friend totally tried to just shove me out of the way, and then some douchebag in her group walked up to me and made some dumb comment about my mega man t-shirt, course neither of them realized that she had been checkin me out, and when i looked over she was sittin for awhile by herself so i went over and talked to her for a bit, and the first thing out of her mouth was whether i played video games, cuz she did too, anyways, i was pretty wasted but we chatted for a bit, i got an email address (apparently in new york they dont like to give out phone numbers, um, okay, well you aint in new york anymore lady), and when her friend with the two douchebags walked up, she waved them away, it was pretty funny cuz i could tell her friend was none too pleased, probly cuz she was trying to get with one of the douchebags and figured it would go better if her friend would as well, i found this all quite amusing and her friend tried to give me the stink eye at one point after our conversation, but i just ignored her friend and the douchebags, in fact when that retard walked up and made that comment, i just said something to her and then walked away, didnt even acknowledge his douchebag presence, it was all quite amusing......... anyways, yeah i digressed a bit, but that was kind of a funny story, so i woke up today all hungover, and spent most of the day that way, so i was fairly mellow didnt do a whole lot, did a lot of processing of some other shit goin on, in a healthy positive manner, then i decided to get some shit done, so i did some organizing (the long project that is all my childhood crap!! yes it is ongoing, im not done yet), picked up a bit around my rooms, then put on some sweats, went for a nice little jog, did my push ups and sit ups, took a shower and shaved, and voila, even hungover, i did something worthwhile, makes me at least feel a bit better about my day, not like it was a total waste, and this is how ive been approaching things lately, yesterday i went and visited my friend in the hospital, and while there found out some things that were hurtful to me, even so though i had this on my mind, i let it go, and went and met up with my coworker buddies and had one hell of a fun night...... i have been using a lot of coping mechanisms lately for things that have been bugging me, and i have found that they work, my friend genevieve posted a fantastic article on facebook about anxiety, and rather than do what i normally do, read a little bit and then get bored, i actually read the whole thing, and it talked about people who are hard wired for anxiety and how some of them dealt with it, it didnt go into great detail about those methods, but i got some good stuff and coupled with my own efforts (doing this right here, writing, that is, is one of those, i have notebooks full of shit, and today i wrote down a lot, but i want to go over this stuff and begin to turn it into lyrics, im sure i have some nifty one liners in all of that, but that is yet another project i have on my list), needless to say, life is finally starting to feel like life again, and yes sometimes it is difficult and sometimes it is hard, but that is why we need the strength to get over those times, we all hurt, we all get hurt, but we can all recover and move on in whatever way we must, and i no longer want my perceived hurts to dog me so much that it makes me do nothing, sure im still gonna have plenty of time to chill, but i want things to do every night, i have multiple projects that i will begin working on, isnt this what life is all about??? why the hell has it taken me so long to understand this????? at least i have finally........ i will not allow myself to waste away into misery and melancholy, there is too much out there for that to happen.......

i will say it....

today was a fun but fucked up day, learned some shit that was hard to see, but enjoyed life for what it was, i am makin strides and that is what is important, that is the first step, saw my friend in the hospital, she was fucked up, she will be fucked up for awhile, sunnyside hospital will be in my plans for awhile, because, well, thats what friends do, even if they had there heart broken in small ways today, i dont care, more of it is on me in the first place, and whatever, if that is her choice so be it, i personally wouldnt find balding men who live three hours away attractive but im not her, so whatever, i need to find myself anyways, i will continue to visit her, and it was hard for me, but i will be a good friend, because that is what i am what i always have been to those im close to, and she is in a tough spot, all in all, its not the way i want to see a reconciliation, but its all good, she cares and i care and thats enough for me to step up to the plate, anyways aside from that it was a good day, hung out with some coworkers, saw a funny movie, totally approached a girl that was checkin me out at a bar and got an email addy, these are all big steps for me, living life, this is whatg i really need to do, and i gotta say it was a good day........... i will process it all over a few cups o coffee tomorrow and let all the pain seep out into words in my journal, while attempting to take some of these words and turning them into my passion, life is good, i am good, as velvet underground would say, i am beginnning to see the light...............

weighted mind

this has been quite a week for good ol benners, thursday was a particularly interesting day, i have had two friends lose loved ones this week, and another friend who was seriously injured in a car accident, along with all of this, i had some own troubles this week at work, which have since been worked out thanks to an above and beyond manager who actually gives a shit about her employees and does everything she can to help them, this is such a valuable thing, my job is not glorious, it is just a job, but i work with some truly great people, people that care about each other, and that is such an important component, especially when it comes from the top down, of course we are one of the most sarcastic shit flinging group ever, but hey, that just makes a dull job fun!!! but as far as my friends are concerned i feel such a compassion towards them, so strongly that it almost brings me for tears, i wish i could do more for them in these times, but all i can do is let them know that i care, it is just hard to show them that i care so much sometimes for people i am close to in times of need that my heart feels like it is almost going to burst out of my chest, i have many flaws in my character and general self, but this is not one of them, i am really concerned for my friend in the hospital, she has suffered a really heinous accident, it is kind of interesting for a time there because our friendship was kind of falling apart, but i think she had some serious thoughts about this after her troubles, simply because i think serious incidents such as hers makes people see how truly fickle certain things in life can be, like the recent squabbles we have had, i have only known her for a short amount of time, but i care about her as much as anyone in my life, i feel so much for her right now, and plan to go visit her soon....... i miss her and glad she is still alive honestly......... life is funny like this sometimes, but it hasnt stopped me either, feeling this way, i had a customer drive up today and she said "why are you so happy?" and i was kind of like, am i? and she said yeah you seem happy, then i told her that two friends had lost loved ones recently and another had been in a serious accident, and the look on her face was pretty classic, but you know what, as much as i feel for my friends right now, i can not and will not let that affect my general mood, even though it does not directly effect me, it does because of my compassion towards others, but these are times that others need to be pillars of strength, these are moments that i shine, so i will let myself shine through and hopefully be a beam of light to people in these times......................

strange days....

indeed, today was one of the weirder ones, i heard of a lot of goings on with people i know that were not real happy, i hate that, my heart goes out to my friends so strongly that sometimes it almost makes me want to cry, yeah i said it, i am a man and still not afraid to say it, and i almost did today, a couple of times, i could say a lot has been going on for me lately, but you know what??? not much has, and that has been my own personal problem of late...... while talking to a friend of mine it has become apparent that i dont get out and do enough, i mean, a big part of this is having no money, it kind of limits the activities one can do, another problem is that i just dont like going to events with lots of people and what not, i am an introspective introvert, what do you expect??? but really, i have been wanting to get out more and do stuff, kinda funny hearing me say that right as summer is at an end, but needless to say i intend to, i need to actually pursue the things that i like and start doing them, i made a list yesterday at work (slow day to say the least, haha!!!) and that list included: a) learn to play piano (i just bought an electric keyboard the other day, it was fucking great, i got an inkling, have been wanting to do it, so the other night, i walked over to trade up music, looked at what they had, talked to the guy about it for a bit, then bought it, it was definitely an amusing scene for people driving down alberta or 15th ave to see some dude, just walking down the street, with a keyboard under one arm, no bag no nothing, just dude and a keyboard, hahaha, i definitely got quite a few queer stares comin my way!! and then that night did some ol online research, found a book about learning piano for $3 at powells, drove my ass down there, on an empty ass fuel tank, and picked up the book, what a steal, so now i am in practice mode, i still mess around a bit, but i am a beginner and dont really know the first thing about it all, so i am just doing my practice and taking it slow), b) write (writing is something that i love to do for many reasons, not only do i do it to sometimes clear out the muddled mess of thoughts that cloud my brain (lemme tell ya, a great way to relieve anxiety) as well as just free writing, i took my notebook to work the other day and well, just started to free write, kinda workin on a lil story, dont quite know yet where it is going to go, just getting thoughts out on a page, and really that is just the first step i can always go back and punch it into a computer and proofread, add, edit, flesh out all that stuff as i do, so i am going to try to do some free writes a few times a week and then get back to it later and really work on it some more, plus lets say i become the next john tesh or something, i can always take some of my anxiety ridden thought writes and make them into songs, the first step is getting it down on paper), c) build a coffee table (i really want to start learning woodworking, i think it is just fuckin neat, sawing nailing measuring finishing, that all just sounds like fun, how much fun would it be to make my own shit??? great fun i imagine, this one will take a bit to get off the ground as it is much more steeped in finances than some of my other things), d) getting out in nature more, going for hikes, walks, runs, etc. (i love nature and yet i always find myself stuck in a house and yet when i look outside and see a beautiful moon or clouds or trees i want to share this, last night at work i saw the moon in all its glory outside of my bay door, and so i sent a mass text to many of my friends in the portland area to check it out if they could, why? cuz it was fucking amazing looking, i dont need to keep that to myself, i love trees, clouds rain and all of that, so why havent i ever spent more time out in it, because i allowed myself to get sucked into video games, tv and the like, well, i dont really fuck with tv anymore at all, and video games, here and there, but getting out for a hike is a relatively low cost fun activity that allows me to get away from the din and congestion of the city, i need this, badly, i went on a neat lil hike this past weekend, got to see some of the work my buddy is doing, and then we followed that up by going mushroom hunting up on mt hood, and that was the most fun ive had in weeks, it was fucking great, trompin around in the woods looking for yummy mushies, good times had by all for sure) d) take some classes (once again this will be a wait and see as i get finances under control, i dont have the money for this now, but i want to start taking classes, honestly i think i would really like to go back to school, but i dunno, i kind of want to study chemistry, call me crazy, but i always liked it, and it came naturally to me back in the diz-ay, but we shall see, never too old to learn stuff)................................

i guess essentially what it boils down to is that i have been wasting my life for many years now, and i am so bored that my own brain sometimes wont let me get out of my house and pursue the things i want to do, i have always been full of potential but never lived up to it, and i kind of want to get out of the rut ive been in for years.......................

anyways, yeah it has been a weird day, for reasons i wont go into, but a good day, hopefully though tomorrow will go a lil bit better...................... i think it will

interesting.....

"People are complicated. The more those complexities can be understood, the better off we are." this was a statement taken from a basketball that i read, and wow, i love it, sheer poetry in the words, at least to me, for a number of reasons, as those who actually read this blog may now, i tend to take things that i see and relate it for me, because my brain really does revolve around me, im complicated i guess, and few people have wanted to jump in and find out why, or understand me, those that have, i tend to believe really find the ways they appreciate me, but i digress, i guess i read this and it just kind of made me think how genius a statement it is and how it relates to me, lately it does on two different levels, on one level it makes me think of a friend i have made lately, she is very complicated, and i dont really understand much, but feel i understand more than a lot of people, along with this though is that i think it goes both ways with her, i think she finds me interesting and intriguing and in ways wants to understand me, but she also holds back from this, there are reasons for this, and i wont go into it here, its just kind of interesting to me, but even more so this hits home with my job, we get every kind of person imaginable coming into my work, when i was at work today i was in the kiosk, essentially the point man, the prepper, telling people whats goin on where to go, yadda yadda, but you just see SOOOO many people at that position, and with that so many different personalities, and it is interesting to attempt to even comprehend these people and figure out what they are like, really people piss me off a lot, but that doesnt mean that i dont find them fascinating, cuz i do, as a species we are one of the strangest i have ever experienced, and i like to understand people (though i sometimes get a bit lost attempting to understand myself) because it is hard for me to fathom some of these people and why they act like they do, and even while most people are complicated, you can see how easy it is to categorize them, because they want to be categorized, i think that goes hand in hand with feeling 'accepted', hahaha, maybe that is why i roll with a bunch of crazies, weirdos, and nutbags, hahahahahahha! it also makes me think of my coworkers, i get along with most of them for the most part, sure some better than others, but one coworker in particular i think really gets me on a little bit of a deeper level, dude is the shit, but when he and i are talkin or hangin out, the conversation goes in eccentric oddball directions, and we are usually laughing about this shit, but it seems like he actually takes an interest in some of the shit that comes outta my mouth, and on some level gets it, and i like that, its pretty cool to actually connect with someone in that way...............

one of those days....

i felt like this again, i am depressed today, no way around it, no real reason why, it is the normal cycle of my mental stability, part of it is just my mental makeup, i am confused (about a great many thhhingsss..... alright so that was a movie quote, im a nerd too) and frustrated by so much in my life right now, i feel constrained in so many ways that i wish i wasnt but all of those things come from poor decisions i made myself in my own life, and so i have no one else to blame, because of that i can be a bit hard on myself because of it, i sometimes wonder why i tend to do this, there are things i wish i could just cut the cord on and be done with, to never have them hanging over my head, things that take away, to me, my freedom, and my ability to succeed in the ways i wish i was able, and there is no swift route to take care of them, and so i just stay the frustrating course i am on, i must enjoy punishment, because that is what i feel, i have had some good friends tell me some good advice lately on one of the many confusing frustrating aspects of my life in the past week, one matter of factly, one heartfelt and sincere, not that the other advice wasnt, it really was just more matter of factly in idle conversation, yet still a good piece of advice, as far as everything else, well, i just will need in some ways to let this wave pass, that is often how it works then i will once again be full of life and vigor, i am in some ways maybe bipolar, but im not sure, not intensely so mind you, but in a minor way i think i have some of those tendencies, then again maybe a lot of us do, i think so, i dont really know why im writing all of this, i never really do though, just like always, kind of want to get it out somewhere, especially somewhere kind of private while at the same time public, i mean no one really reads this, and that is kind of the beauty of it, in a way it has become my own personal journal, a space for me to get out some of my darkest most negative thoughts, a place for me to shed some of the things weighing me down, it is interesting to me how sometimes i feel as though i am lacking something inside, some sort of desire or passion to do better, to be better, i feel empty in a way, and i dont really know how to buck out of it, i tend to live through those around me, sapping away at those i spend time with, a scavenger of life in a way, i dont really understand it, and i wish i had some motivation and desire, i mean i do, but then again right now i just feel so shackled, by so many things, my brain included, that i dont really know where to begin, if i could just get a nudge in the right direction it would be nice, but then again i dont even know what direction that is, i do not have anything that i really am passionate about, i feel dead inside because of this, i dont understand why, i wish i had some projects to eat up my free time, something where i can work with my hands, i actually really would like to work on something, have something to do where i was active and really working, my job doesnt do this for me, my job gives me exercise and thats about all, it is pretty much devoid of any mental stimulation except for the drama created between coworkers, and while i do participate in it, i dont enjoy it, in fact thinking about it i should stop doing it, i dont really like it and it doesnt make me happy, then again, not much does right about now, i know that sounds bad, but at this physical moment that is mentally how i feel, as i said it will pass, and i know this, time heals all wounds, supposedly, but apparently for some it doesnt, they are still dealing with it and letting it block off what could be something really special, instead it affects me in a way that is negative, and causes me to be very confused and unsure, and that is the worst part of it, i dont think she realizes how much it does affect me, part of me wants to say something, but part of me doesnt care, the longer ive known her, sometimes i feel like the feeling we had when we first met is dying, and that is sad, because it was strong, very strong, course it returns when im not thinking about it, but because of those issues she has, im always thinking about it............ bleh, i dunno, maybe ill just go to bed

a lil bit bothered.......

hmmmm, i definitely have something bothering me, and i know exactly what it is, it just sucks that i dont really know how to go about handling the situation, like, at all, i know what people have told me thus far, and i know i should be wary of it for sure, but i dont really know the proper way to go about it either, i guess one big reason is simply that i knew about this for awhile, and yet i still pursued, and pursuing has at least finally gotten somewhere, i am just a bit unsure of really where to go with it all, its a tough one to crack thats for damn sure, i just always really wished that people were not damaged goods or dealing with emotional attachment to a previous person when they see me, i wish they would realize 'hey! its been over a year, maybe i should let go', but no, that hasnt happened, if anything it is almost becoming a cycle, as we inch closer together she has this old shit bubble up in her brain, and while she doesnt exACTly talk to me about it, she kind of does through means she knows will reach me, but those same means are for her and her alone and not for me, so in some ways i cant really comment on it at all, but at the same time it does affect me, and it hurts to tell you the honest truth, and i dont like that, things seemingly are going well, then i read that shit and its just kind of like, ouch, wow, im glad you are still holding a torch for someone who has been out of your life for over a year, i mean fuck man, i know it takes time, but jesus christ, dont let the past ruin your present, the past is gone, and nothing can be done to change the past, so move on, and live your fucking life please, with or without me, i dont really care, but it hurts to hear that, it sucks to have you not be emotionally available, and truth be told, i really dont know how much longer i am gonna hold my current patience level................. eh, women

what a....

shit fucking weekend, i am in a really fucking bad mood today, this weekend has just sucked, nothing has seemed to go right, fucking goddamn bikes blocking access to downtown, making me look like a bad friend, that really pisses me off, just fucking ahhhhhhhhgggggghhhhhhh, im seriously in a pissed off mood, and nothing seems like it will alleviate that, i hate it when things dont go my way, sure i know that makes me sound like a baby but it just really pisses me off, i dont even know how to explain it im just really frickin angry at the world and everyone right now, and i just want to hide for the next month, i dont want to hang out with anyone or talk to anyone or see anyone, im just pissed off and bored outta my mind and sick of the computer and movies and feeling like i have the plague or something, god fucking dammit, sometimes i just want a lil love and attention too, im only fucking human after all, but instead im just pissed off at the world, fuck everyone, this week started out great and then just went to fuckin shit, its times like these that i just get so frustrated and hate my fucking life, its times like these that i start thinking really bad thoughts, all i want to do is sleep til fucking tuesday and then just ignore everyone and everything, actually i just want to run away and disappear never to return, leave everything behind and just get the fuck outta here forever, fuck

wowsers...... im bored.....

as all holy fuck today, i took the day off cuz i was so fucking exhausted (maybe it has something to do with the seven hours of sleep i got combined over back to back nights, hmmmmmm, ill have to look into that), and so i spent some of the day sleeping, getting coffee, just generally chillin, and now im just bored as fuck, i dont even know what to do with myself, there are some folks i would like to hang out with but neither of them are getting back to me at the moment, one of them, well, im not really sure why he hasnt, guess he is busy, and the other one, wellllll, i dunno, i guess i have spent a lot of time with her already this week, but i have the most fun with her, but im not surprised i never heard back from her, she is sorta a free spirit, not the kind of person who likes to spend too much time with one person, and very independant at the same time........ hmmmmmm........ not to mention money is limited for me, this always seems to really dwindle the old options huh? and with the more money ive been spending on gas lately, money is certainly tight......... oh well i will just spill my lamentations out on my blog that no one reads anyways, which is no big deal because sometimes i dont know if i want anyone to read what i write in the first place, i dont really have too much goin on which means i really dont have a lot to say, once again normally i might just write someone i know and let them know all these random thoughts bouncin round my head, but once again she is the same person i have spent quite a bit of time with already this week, too bad for her im addicted, but its all good i have also learned not to bug her too much, heh that is when she tucks tail and runs for a bit.............. i wish i had more hobbies, but sometimes reading and writing is not enough, and somedays nothing sounds appealing to me to begin with......... so it goes. at least my week has been pretty stellar, good things happening after all the fucking turbulence i felt last week, much tension has been washed away and allowed my brain to quiet down to a certain degree........... which is nice, i have been on this mental emotional rollercoaster for quite some time now so it is kind of nice to have gotten some confirmation on some things, yippee, and in such a good fancy way too....... oh well, it is what it is, guess i will just find something to do, thanks for not reading! heh heh heh

letting go.....

i think it is so difficult at times to let go of things, we all get fanciful ideas and follow and act on them, and sometimes we just need to let go of these thoughts, and yet it is a lot easier said than done........ i seriously need to let go of one thing in particular right now, one particular idea, it is just not ever going to be what i think and wish it would be, its impossible to be that, as such, i just need to let it go, i will admit, this will be a difficult prospect as it has invaded and taken over my brain for a few months now, but thats alright, as i mentioned in my earlier post today, i am kind of a selfish and personal quest to find some inner strength, and not just find it, but act on it, cutting out some of the things i do that are bad for my health, both mental and physical, and focus on things that will simply improve on it, as i said this will take time but thats ok, i am in a good mood tonight, sure i have a couple nagging issues on the ol brain tonight, but i feel good about it all, it will all be a good thing for me, and its a beautiful night here in the concrete jungle, the temperature has finally kicked back, i have a few endorphins still floating around, im listening to radiohead outside while on my trusty laptop, its a good night.......... intorspection is always a strong suit of mine so of course im sitting here writing about myself and what is in my head, but i dont mind, because well, as i have said before this blog is more about me than anything else, the things i share come from my deep inner well, unlike others, i have seen other blogs and they are all fancy and the writing is all happy happy, and well, i am not always just a happy happy person, i very much have a dark side and i think that more often than nought that all comes out in my blog, it is where i go when i want to empty my mind, and i empty my mind by writing, which brings me to another subject off but yet on topic, i need to find a way to harness this writing, well i dont need to but i would like to, i would like to find a way to harness its powers and use it for good (yes i am a nerd and this is very tongue in cheek comic bookiness, ha! the best at the cheesy pun, that is really why spiderman was so fucking rad before the movies destroyed him! i like to call him snarky, heh heh), but yeah and i tend to do a little bit better when not obsessing over stuff, and unfortunately i have been obsessing yet again all weekend on something that is a waste of brain time, it isnt going to be easy, i dont quite know how to put it, but it has been a painfully enjoyable obsession these past few months, but one that has eaten at me at the same time, healthy? i dont know, but i do know that i will also never cut it off...... you might sit there and wonder, huh? why the fuck not? well, i dunno, but we all meet people for reasons, and i dont yet know the reason for this one, it isnt and wasnt what i initially thought, but at the same time, there is a very powerful thing at work there too, and this is not one sided either, this is seen from both parties, its just that, one party is more into it than the other, and wants more than the other, and i have to respect that........ and will, while at the same time figuring out a way to let go......... it will happen though, the more i focus on me and stop worrying about it i will succeed at this........ it is a good thing, and yet somewhat sad, but overall, a good thing.............. so much going on in this head, so much so much

finding....

this past month was an interesting one for me, i have been doing a lot of thinking about a lot of things, but one thing that has been nagging me is my lack of inner strength, i have been doing some major introspective review, and finding that i dont necessarily like what i have been seeing, i have had my moments, but these have been followed by weakness, i have a lot of work to do for myself, i need to be selfish, i need to stop worrying about others, and worry more about myself, for years i have given in, given into my own weaknesses, i have not taken care of myself, i have allowed myself to become seduced by drugs, and booze, to a point where it is unhealthy for me, there is nothing wrong with dabbling, but when used to escape reality these are not good catalysts for change, at least not good change, the only change they can bring is a change in mental stability, for the worse, as well as declining health, both physically and mentally, i have been thinking more and more about this, and i can talk and talk and talk about these things all i want but nothing will ever change until i do it, turning thirty one recently i realized i am no longer young, but i am also not old, i am at a severe crossroads for my life, and i need to choose which direction i want to go, one road leads to depression loneliness and poor health, the other road can lead to a healthy mind contentedness and confidence, i want to do things that are more active, i want to be healthy, challenged, right now i am doing none of those things, and i am not happy, i have known i am not happy for awhile, when one realizes ones own unhappiness it does one of two things, either you can continue on the same path and accept this fate, or do something about it, and make a change, change is one of the most difficult things we can do, but the operative phrase there is that we can do it, it is not an easy thing, it requires an entire rewriting of our habits, our brain, the things we are used to, change is hard, old habits are easy, it is easy to grab a beer, it is easy to sit around and do nothing, it is easy to be lazy, change requires hard work, patience, and most of all, will power, it is not easy and it never will be, but i have seen full well where my old habits get me, how they make me feel, and i dont like the way this is, it is time for me to really put my head down and see what im made of, i do not know how it will turn out, but i will never know if i dont put my best foot forward and really try

crushed and yet not......

cuz i am still strong. i have learned a lot about myself recently, a lot about me that i had never really allowed out of the box, i have always been an anti society guy, but yet i still have let society get a hold of me in a lot of ways, but in some ways i am trying to shed all of this, not all i guess, but find what really makes me tick, what is good for me and what is not. i have gone through a great deal of personal growth and still have a very long way to go, the old adage life is a journey, and yeah it is. read some shit tonight that threw me for a loop, it wasnt surprising, well, maybe parts of it were, just because they were parts i cannot really interpret, and in some ways those parts could either make me feel slightly better, or slightly worse, but in general, even though i knew the things i read without actually having to read them, doesnt mean it doesnt hurt at all. in fact it hurts alot. but part of what i have been figuring out about myself is that i am strong enough to deal with it. life goes on, i cannot change this in any way shape or form, and as such, i will deal with it all as i must, i will not let things that hurt get in the way of who i am or where i am going, because i have learned that i have the strength to deal with a lot, hell, the whole lindsay thing taught me that, but i sunk into a deep dark hole for a long time, and i am no longer going to allow myself to do that. every day is a new day, full of possibilities, full of options, and i will do what i must to make the best of that. i will not let any of this get me down, because it has taught me so much, and while i threw caution to the wind, i still knew that this exact scenario, could, and probably would happen. as such i was somewhat prepared for it, but that does nothing to take the hurt away, cuz that is very real. but it is momentary, pain fades in and out of our lives constantly, and it is merely something to make us stronger and more prepared for future struggles. as one of my favorite authors always used to say, so it goes. and it does, its nice to have some goals and an eye to the future. tomorrow is always a new day.

the day after.......

i have made an amazing discovery....... the day after i drink i get depressed!!!!! holy crap, i know! but seriously this is one reason i have cut booze out by a country mile, it just really depresses me, i mean some of this im sure can be attributed to my general demeanor, but i have really felt quite melancholy today, very much in my head, a lot of alone time (which is a good thing, i wouldnt want to subject anyone to myself when i feel this way), but my thoughts tend to run rampant on days like this, thankfully i have come to realize this, recognize this, and i know that it will go away, i know that on a day like today i have to let my thoughts do what they are going to do, but also largely ignore them, otherwise i will say things to people that i really do not want to say, or do things i really dont want to do, when i get this way i do not want to be around others, they wont cheer me up, i have tried that before but have found that it doesnt work, it does not stop my brain from being on overdrive and instead i tend to sit there totally out of conversation and not really paying attention to anything going on around me, sure i am writing this now, but in no way does this encompass what i have really thought about today, as i said i will not subject anyone to those thoughts, they are mine and mine alone, as a song i know says, if anyone knew everything you thought theyd just wish youd shut up, and it is so true, but im working on finding more proper outlets for my thoughts and what have you getting them out there in a way that works for me, i know all of this will pass, and im glad for that, i know being like this does not take away from who i am as a person, and yet maybe if i lived a more full life it wouldnt be as bad, but i am, as we all know, a lonely soul, and i enjoy that, i am who i am, i walk alone and im okay with this, eventually, someday, when i am ready perhaps i will travel my paths with someone who can enjoy being with me, times like these definitely make my mood brighter, but it has to be right to, i dont want to force it, and i want to be at a point in my life when i know what i want and who i am, a time when i am not so easily influenced by others because i have figured out who i am, and what i truly desire....... this has always been my weakness, so ready to fall into someone else that i do not take the time to catch myself............ i am working on becoming a stronger person, of taking care of myself, of not letting things get to me so easily, the most trying of times are days like today, when i am depressed, i learn to deal with it, and swallow the pain i feel, and realize that it is only temporary, it will pass, much as the day itself has, i just got in from a walk in the rain, just me, my ipod, and my thoughts, when it started raining i put my hood down and just let it wash over me, i love times like these, as i said someday it will be nice to share those moments with someone who is keen to that, someone who is not afraid to go for a walk in the rain, to traverse the paths with me, and see what i see but also share what they see......... yes i am yearning for something, but i am also patient, it will come when the time is right, and that time is not right now.............. everything will be alright....................

changes......

yesterday was an interesting day for me, i was at work bored, then a friend texted me sayin that she had the day off blah blah, so i bolted work, we hung out, did awesome things, ran around in the woods, off the beaten path (which was freakin sweet!) we hung out and talked and talked, i dont think i talked as much, cuz i usually dont, went and got ice cream, traipsed around a park, played with some blackberry bushes, you know sweet stuff, then just hung out real late stylie........ it was an awesome day on so many levels, but on other levels a bubble was somewhat burst, not totally, but somewhat, but really this bubble bein burst shit wasnt all bad, it got me thinking about a lot of things, things i havent thought about enough, things i have let slide over the years, it was interesting, i just took a real long look at my life and realized there is so much work i have to do, for myself, by myself, not that i will be by myself, but it just kind of rocked my entire way of thinking while having this conversation, i know what i dont want out of my life, but i also havent really figured out what i do want with my life either, this is why i have been somewhat of a nomad, living from place to place, struggling with so much not really making very good decisions for me or for my life, in a way i just always thought someone else would bail me out, i look back though and realize my skills are limited but they dont have to be, i realized that i struggle with money especially in the sense that i have wasted so much of it, and im kind of sick of it, i have wanted to be in relationships, when really i am not in a position to be, this does not mean i dont want to get laid, cuz, well, i certainly do, i have just been so hung up on various things the past ten years of my life that i havent really just allowed myself to have fun.......... all in all, i am going to go into a period of life where i figure out what i want, i dont want to be attached to anyone, i dont want to be responsible for anyone else or their feelings, i need to take care of myself, and get my own shit straightened out, this is going to take awhile, i need to set some major goals and stick to them, as well as minor and medium sized goals as well, i need to make some changes and get my life to a point that i want it, so that i can decide what will be best for me............ i am impatient by nature, this will be hard, but i know i can do it

the dark.......

nighttime is one of my favorite times, it is full of intrigue and always has been to me, i was never a kid who was afraid of the dark, and as ive grown up (yes i know it is still debatable as to whether i have or not, but hold your comments for the time being) i have found myself drawn to it, when i was a young child i used to get up very early, like clockwork, but once i got older and was able to spend more time up at night, i grew more and more interested in the mysteries it beheld, the day time to me is boring, everything is hustle and bustle, the light provided us by the sun allows us to see everything and anything, but when nighttime hits, the dark covers all, and aside from a light here to a light there, there are so many unseens and unknowns tucked away in the corners and in the distance, i think this is why so many people are afraid of the dark, because of this unseen and unknown, i have always enjoyed taking a moment in the dark and really finding my surroundings, allowing my eyes to grow accustomed to the absence of light........ when i was back at school in wisconsin, my friend had a bonfire party on his farm, i wasnt in a very social mood, and decided to go off on a little solo adventure, there was another farm aways down the road from his that was deserted and also said to be haunted, that was part of my intrigue, but i also just wanted to wander off and experience this darkness, honing senses other than my eyes to become aware of my surroundings, i remember ambling down Bier (pronounced By-er) road in total darkness looking at the hulking masses of trees that surrounded both sides of the road gazing up at them and at the stars above and relishing every moment of it, when i got to the farm, i did not disturb any of the buildings, but i sat down in the middle of them all and just took it all in, allowing myself to become one with the darkness surrounding me, just looking, and listening, and feeling, this is one of my most cherished moments............. recently i was out in the woods with a compatriot, we had decided to go up in the woods and cook some campfire dinner, we found a spot close to a gravel road in the dead of the woods, and found a road behind the trees that seemed to go on for awhile, we followed for a bit then went back to start the fire, but ever since my night there i have been yearning to go back there in the night time and follow that road, just to see where it goes, i suppose one should be worried about the element of surprise, and my companion has let it be known that there are many, potentially dangerous critters in that area, let alone god knows what or who up there, but still my curiosity is piqued and i have wanted to go amble on that road just to see where it goes, maybe a little bit more prepared than we were that night, but nonetheless......... a night like tonight was so beautiful to me, i spend most of my time alone, these are the moments i yearn to share with someone, moments that i want someone else to see and feel the way i do as i look at the peacefulness of the night, the peacefulness that can be so easily shattered by any number of things, things we cannot see lurking in the shadows, things that if we are not aware can catch us unaware, this is and always has intrigued me, and i see such beauty in it............. i love the solitude it provides..............

she shit out a kid

to any of you who know about my psycho ex, well, you know that essentially she was a piece of trash, and i have confirmed this lately by finding out that she shit out a kid (just know, anyone i know who is planning on having a child, or has already had one, i am happy for that, so dont take this the wrong way please) this is especially funny to me for a number of reasons, first of all was how much she never wanted to have kids, period, number two, its funny because it means i took her car from her when she was preggo, number three its funny because she is a piece of trash and think that she was still drinking and smoking during her pregnancy, number four its funny because ITS NOT MINE........ and some poor fuckin sap who isnt me is with her, what a fitting end........................ she really is living up to her white trash clackamas roots.................

i can recognize........

that i am at a good place in my life, i live in a stable environment, with a roommate that i get along with quite well, i have a good job, and i am quite good at it, i am fairly stable, i realize and recognize all of this, i am not necessarily happy, but thats ok, the first step is knowing i am at a good place, i still have some work to do, but i am fairly content with the stability in my life, this is a good thing, and im quite glad about it all, anyways, thats all i have to say for now :)

ramble on........

i just need to write, no real rhyme or reason as to why, a lot of stuff floating around in the ol noggin and im not really going to elaborate on what, this is all part of the path, part of the path of figuring something out, what that is im not really too damn sure............. and nor do i think i ever will be, life is confusing for me, im not good at the game, i dont enjoy many of the elements, i think i was made for a simpler time, a time more black and white, a time of less choices, born into what you were, the amount of interaction with others at a minimal, i just dont know what it is, i dont really like dealing with other people, small amounts of people, people i choose, i know this is somewhat vain of me, thinking that it is all up to me, that i am the one to make this choice or what have you, but i do, in part i make it by not choosing at all, and at other times i overwhelm a small collective, to the point that that collective wants nothing to do with me for awhile, this is when i go crazy, this is when i bend every whim towards that, it consumes me, and it is not healthy.............. i have been having some serious problems making connections since one person tried to destroy me, in some ways, i think she did, it is difficult to explain, but i have become so attention hungry pretty much since we first parted ways, first it was with her, which she said is what drove her away even more, it led me to be crazy, and even over a year later, it has not gotten better, i get absolutely consumed, and i cant control it, i try to get my mind off of things but i cannot, even if i am doing other things, even if i tune out those things that do keep me mildly connected, and i try to focus on other things, i instead just run thoughts through my head, missing out on parts of what i am trying to utilize to 'take my mind off things', my mind does not get off of things, my mind continues to run around in very tight circles eventually driving it into the ground, i know better, and yet i cannot stop it, i am constantly telling myself i will stop it, and yet i dont, i poke and prod until it runs away, and fast.............. this is why i am a stupid man............. i have many wonderful qualities, qualities that should and do appeal to women, but this strange obsession ive had ever since my near destruction is unexplainable, i do not really know what to do, and it really bothers me, i could just ponder on it more, but will it help? i do not know. i am constantly seeking validation, and approval, and attention, yet in many ways i really dont want it. all i want is to turn my brain off, to forget and let go, just let go of it all, i think actually i am going to go and try to meditate, this can help quiet the mind.......... bye

lonely soul

i am a lonely soul. i do not say this to be depressing. i do not say this for attention (that would be a bit oxymoronic, no?). i say this as the truth. i have often struggled with this. i go through fits and spurts of socialization. wanting to talk to people. wanting to hang out with people. i think that comes from the lion in me. but ultimately zodiac's cannot change what i am. i spend a lot of time alone. this is not a bad or good thing. it just is. i yearn for contact and attention at times. but only from a few other, somewhat kindred souls. i do not let a lot of people in. and i am fairly choosy about those i do let in. i may disappear for months on end. but for those that i really want to see, well, they know. i wander through my life alone, i wander through my life observing others. seeing things i do not quite understand. dont get me wrong, i have family that loves me, i have friends who love me as well. i love them too. sometimes though, i stay away. i hermitize. i do what ben wants to do. often this is alone. my home is not set up for company. my home is set up for me. of the thirty years i have spent on this planet, i have often either felt, or chosen, to be alone. "J'ai une âme solitaire." i do not want pity, i do not want anything. this is my choice. i could get out. i could go hang out with folks, and meet people. people naturally like me. i just choose to be by myself more often than not. i do not know if this makes me 'happy', but it is who i am, so i am happy with it. i choose my time with people, and i choose it wisely. it is why i did not talk or hang out with a friend of mine for a couple of months, she and i had fun, good conversation, it was time to see her, that is why i reached out. it is why at times i see my friend floating around online, and i choose to ignore him. i cannot talk constantly, taking breaks is a good thing. it is why i was able to go to school, have minimal contact with my friends, then come back and seem like nothing has happened. i have another friend floating around who i have not spoken to in a month, it is about time i reached out. i saw another friend the other week who i had not seen in two years. the friendship had not changed, but life had. this is okay. it is okay to do this. when you are a lonely soul, this is how life is. a constant series of this. and i am okay with it. i observe others while out and about. i watch. i see conversation made just for the sake of conversation. it is pointless. some people see this as 'connection', sometimes it can be, but most of the time, it is simply wasted breath. i do not interact like most. at my work i have many people stand in front of me while i stay quiet and do my job. my interaction with them includes my job. i am not looking for a mind blowing conversation even if they are. some people i connect with, others not so much. so it goes. they do not know that bouncing around in my head is the quote "J'ai une âme solitaire." it is what it is. go listen to alone in kyoto by the band air. that is my life.

the sad things.....

move me, i am a fairly emotional person, especially for being of the male persuasion, let alone the hetero male persuasion, but sad things are beautiful to me, they spur on thought, they challenge me to take a look at things in a different way, to recognize the beauty in those things........... there are so many things out there that can do this, at times they are overwhelming, i think these are the times we cry, when beauty overwhelms us, and it is strange because this is not spurred on by sadness, they may be spurred on by sad things, but sad things are touching, they get us to think with our hearts, which i think opens us to beauty, which in turn makes us shed our tears, it is a circle, but in all honesty, show me one thing in the world that is not truly cyclical in nature.............

smiling

i have met someone who makes me smile....... i like it, its nifty.......... never in a million years......... i guess the best ones are the ones that blindside ya..........

friendly disappointment

i have recently been going through some tough times personally, that is not what is concerning me at the moment, what is concerning me is that i made mention of this to the friends that i wanted to share things with, typically the folks i consider to be my 'best friends', or at least those i feel totally comfortable being one hundred percent open and honest with........... most of those folks i had good talks with, they gave me perspective and support......... one friend though, well, one friend, just kind of turned their back on me so to speak, or at least this is kind of how i feel, granted this folkser has a lot going on in their own life (but then again, who the hell doesnt? all my other friend confidants do too), but still looking back on it all and the virtual back turning of the situation really does kind of hurt my feelings......... i am not mad at this person, but i really am kind of disappointed, sad in a way........... they just kind of said, oh, good luck with it all, and i havent heard a peep out of them since......... kind of stinks...........

laid up

sickness sickness! wowsers mcbowsers i was fucking sick, holy hell that was kinda crazy, five days of fever and imploding sinuses, not fun in 80 degree weather........ needless to say i layed or sat around for five days eating barely nothing, finally returned to work today and was just fatigued, craziness, anyways, lately thoughts of my mind have been overpopulated by one word in particular....... resonate............ i feel for the first time in a long time i have found another person that i truly resonate with...... so far i barely know this person, but at the same time, they just kind of make sense, i dont know what to make of it all yet, but as they are a fairly new figure in my life i will say this........ i feel so strongly about this resonation that i know i want this person to be in my life for a very long time....... in what capacity, who, especially me, is to say, i will not speculate, guess, hope, wish, perpetuate or anything else in between, the truth is that right now i have no idea, all i know is i dont want them to go away, simply because of the resonation that i feel...... it is very interesting, most people i listen to or talk to or hang out with and i am always trying to figure them out, i am awkward myself around others, as such i am simply trying to figure out where they are coming from, this person though, i have clarity of vision, even without really knowing them, they just make sense, they resonate with me...........

a lot goin on in the old brain as of late

and a lazy saturday afternoon to display some thoughts and ideas, though really im just effing bored and wanted to write about stuff, will it be interesting, who knows, i guess that is up to the interpretation of the audience, which at this point is somewhat unknown.............. for some reason my writing style is enjoyed by others, but its so so so silly it doesnt make sense, i just drone on and on, with these ridiculous run on sentences that stretch into paragraphs and pages of random thoughts and shit........ as far as the whole quitting smoking thing is concerned, well, that is all done with i guess, i have been quit for over two weeks, and while i do have some mild desires to return to it, this is all pretty natural, and i wont let myself, i want to not do it, for so many reasons, so bye bye smoking......... along with this i have had kind of a crazy couple of weeks, and when i say crazy i mean crazy, like legitimately crazy, this may not be seen by many, but some who are close to me know what this is about, especially those that have cared enough to find out, its funny sometimes when you try to open up to some that they just kind of say, 'oh, um, yeah, well, good luck with all that!', whereas others are genuinely willing to listen and be there for support and all.......... people are funny like that, of course there are others that im choosing not to share with, which is why im being so vague right now......... but really the main thing on my mind over the past few days has been her........ wow....... i dont even really know what to say....... just so freaking rad......... just wish she was around more......... oh well, patience i suppose, patience, too bad my thoughts are not patient....................................... we shall see though hmmmm? but after that night, well, lets say im fairly confident at this point.......... anyways, things have been quite tough for me lately but are going in good positive directions....... alright toodle-oos y'all........

The Quitting Smoking Chronicles: Part IV

wow, getting getting getting worse, im kinda fiendin right now, although substitutes would suffice, i cannot seem to track any, or anyone with any, down right now, everyone says, oh well let me know what i can do to help, well, then i mention the sticky icky, and they are just like, oh, well, anything but that i dont have any, ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! not that it is anyone elses fault i should have planned better recently, and people say oh, just do some situps or pushups when you have a craving, but thats the thing its not like a 'craving' lasts a couple of minutes or whatever, like when you do smoke and know that eventually you can, they last for like an hour or two......... and i dont think i can do sit ups and push ups for that long, just the way it is.......... anyways, hopefully someone will come through with something, and soon, cuz i am losing it...........

The Quitting Smoking Chronicles: Part III

Work

It took less than fifteen minutes but i wanted to kill all of my co-workers almost immediately..... why might you ask? well because we are all some tongue in cheek, sarcastic ass mother fuckers, alright so we dont really fuck mothers (at least i hope not), but yeah we are all very sarcastic, i think i threatened half of them within ten minutes, though P3 deserved it, saying he was thinking of becoming a laker fan, come on, no blazer fan, true fan that is, ever, EVER says that..........

actually though i have to say work went pretty well, the beginning of the day was the toughest, but my customers were pretty mellow, i had one lady freak out on me later in the day, but i actually kept myself in check for the most part, she wrote a nasty comment card about me, and i went through the proper proceedings for that, but you know what, if you walk up to someone and they just immediately start yelling at you, you know you are not going to win that one........ its funny though, some of my co-workers have been known to hand out comment cards with customers they like, but i do not do that, the funny thing is though, people never think of a comment card when they are given good service, for the amount of happy and pleased customers ive had, i have not once had a positive comment card, people just dont think about it, instead they walk away with a smile on their face....... but i digress

really today has been alright, really craved one this morning, and then after work i REALLY REALLY wanted one, thought about it quite a bit while driving past the convenience stores, but my resolve has been good, i really do want to quit, i can feel the physical effects, but its nothing i cant handle, and it is eerily similar to how i felt the last few days while sick, although i am still fighting that a little bit.......

another thing i did at work, and i will continue this, but on my break, which is the hardest time while quitting, cuz um, what did i do on my breaks? smoke the living fucking hell outta some cigarettes, well, we are doing this whole being healthy by walking thing for the month of may, so i picked up one of those pedometers and walked .66 miles on my break, that can only be a good thing.......

so really i have come into a lot of good things through this, i mean, i am changing my lifestyle for the better it aint easy, im not out of it yet, but hopefully i will get a donation from someone, and play my Elder Scrolls IV, just nerd it up and rock out....... thanks for reading, i will update more as it pops up!!!!

The Quitting Smoking Chronicles: Part II

so its been four hours since my last smoke, i know i know, only four hours, but this shit sets in pretty quick, right now it isnt so much not having had a cigarette, my mind is trying to play tricks on me, because it knows i dont even HAVE any cigarettes, i was in freddy's bout an hour ago and caught myself looking at the prices, to which i said to myself, no, not gonna do it....... anyways im starting to feel the onset of it already, a big help will be sleeping tonight, eight hours (appx) without in a rough time, that will be good, but even driving around i have noticed a slight shortening of the temper, but i guess nothing unusual, but yes the cravings are there, BUT i also have been researching some video games, found one that is hours long, so essentially taking up a great deal of time, and i rewarded myself for my quitting by getting that game, its a role playing game, the kind i love, so it should be fun, anyways that is my reward and will also be my foil, and then once i feel better, exercise will also be a foil, especially with the nice weather, walks and such will be quite good......... funny story, after having gone to five different stores to find this freakin game (yes, five, but hey its super good, super long, and half the price of a normal 'new' ps3 game, so its worth it, okay? see see im getting testy already, even with my so-called 'audience'.........) im driving home, sitting at the red light on 15th at Killingsworth, there is this little boy draped over the back seat of this minivan, just totally zoning out on my left turn signal, meanwhile i was making a face at him hoping he would notice, well, eventually he did, so he and i had a nice little face wars battle, then he turned away, which was good, cuz i was running out of funny faces.........

last but not least, if anyone out there is willing to donate any weed to my Quitting Smoking Marathon, my charity is accepting donations, eases the pain and gives my psychological side something to smoke....... alright, wait for tomorrow, it should be an exciting adventure, i am returning to work, where my habits have been smoking, it is going to be a really tough half day, but i am up for the challenge, i will post more tomorrow afternoon........................

The Quitting Smoking Chronicles: Part I

so it begins.....

now i have said this before, i have smoked my last cigarette, even as i write this my nicotine addled brain attempted to put the word 'not' in before 'smoked', this is the way of nicotine, i have done this before, i quit for a year, only stress and the wrong situation caused me to want to start up again, i have been saying for awhile that i want to quit, but saying and doing are two very different things, but when i found out the price went up to 7.25 a pack, well, i just cant justify, or afford to pay that much, the downside is the first three days, this is when the physical and psychological affects of the addiction attack, those that havent ever smoked do not understand, i have smoked for over ten years, making it even that much harder, last time i quit i wrote myself through it all, had a blog on a myspace that no longer exists, it was my own journal of quitting, the people that read that thought i was crazy and for the first few days of it i was, you go through mood swings, thoughts become erratic, and your will is bent on one thing only, nicotine, they have found that nicotine is more addictive than the addictive ingredients in cocaine and heroin, now does that mean the withdrawl is worse??? no, but it is as hard if not harder to kick, in its own ways........ so i just smoked my last cigarette about a half-hour ago....... i will document my progress here......... edition one of the quitting chronicles........ and one last thing, i must remember the positives of quitting, i never felt better, things smelled better and tasted better and i just felt healthier and had more energy, this means a summer of kickball and basketball......... so here goes.....

nerves

i get so nervous sometimes, and it sucks, i really wish i didnt and it usually involves the females of the species, if i could just be myself im sure it would be no problem, i think part of it stems from anticipation and the hope that things will be cool and go smoothly, but then my nerves take over and it all becomes weird, i dont know why this happens so much to me, maybe its because i have met so many women online, so you get to know them, already think they are rad and hope the same, what i havent seemed to realize is that they wouldnt be hangin with ya in the first place if they didnt feel the same way, but it all still just leaves me lonely and girl-less, which sucks, i just wish i had more self-confidence and believed in myself a bit more, ive gotten better about it lately which makes me think eventually it will all work out and happen, but still it has overcome me, im done with the online shit though, that shit is for the birds......... just lame when you meet someone cool and then act like a total goober and ruin it..........

my friends

i have truly amazing and awesome friends, even though my family is here in portland, my friends are my real family, they know me better than my family, and i love them all very dearly for who they are and the part they play in my life........... when i was younger, my dad tried to instill in me that i shouldnt trust anyone, people always let cha down and the only people you can trust is your family, i fought that notion, in my way that is how i rebelled against him (with my mom it was/is obviously cleaning), and even though i was let down many a night with broken plans, exclusion, just plain forgotten about, we have all experienced this, and i never let up or gave up, i have been in fights with my friends, in one case thats how i met one of my friends, another where we didn't communicate for about a year or more, and then on a premonition i called him to reach out because the grudge we were holding onto just seemed so silly to me, and it happened the day after a life altering event had occurred for him, and another friend i stopped communicating with for some reason, mostly cuz of my tag-along at the time, and it became this weird thing, but we put that behind us, i guess what im saying is, as with any relationship, friendships sometimes take a little work and maintenance, a very low level of it true, but they can be easily repaired and sometimes strengthened by this, and in some sick sense it is all a shared experience.

but my friends listen to me, and choose to share in my life because they are interested in me, they will help me if i need it and they are able, they are there in good times and bad, they spur you on to an unthinkable task with their bold perspective, and i in turn try and do the same for them, i am brutally honest, and i poke fun at peoples quirks, but in a way that is my own weird way of saying i love who you are and i think those quirks are rad, so be you! i am starting to really appreciate this all and see it for what it is........ my friends are my family, and i trust them more than my own family, more than the supposed 'only people i can trust', my family has been good, dont get me wrong, but they dont know who i am as well as all of you, my friends..........

i love you all, i mean that, and no im not drunk, just coming into my own is all.........

just another day.....

this is how all holidays have felt for me over the past year, there is a buzz in the ear, its a holiday its a holiday, but really what it all boils down to is they are just days, very much like every other, simply with more expectations attached to them. i think this, v day, brings up these feelings in me more than any other, not only is it a day in which some people seem very happy and excited, others hate it for any number of reasons, and the remaining few remain ambivalent, but even this ambivalence i think often hides pain, regret, remorse or loneliness from the past that is essentially covering up the truth, but i may be wrong and i digress......

i guess for me, this is my 31st v day, and only on one have i had a significant other, i was also broke on that one day, it was not memorable to say the least........ it is such a strange holiday to me, and one that i think causes more introspection than any other, looking back fondly or angrily at times past, as for me, it is just another day, no sweetie to spend it with, and there never really has been...... i have had a great ambivalence towards holidays myself the past year, and i think part of this is because i have stopped really caring about them, they mean almost nothing to me, yet enough that i think about the stuff i just wrote about, there is a lot more, but my fingers do not move as fast as my brain and my thoughts have become fractalized.......

it can take awhile.....

as ive mentioned in previous posts, i spend a lot of time alone, i spend a lot of time thinking, more than i think most people understand, i come off as arrogant at times i think because i find some things so simple (and yet simple things i make way difficult, go figure), this is also a reason i get so bored, i need to challenge myself, but whenever i take on a challenge i find my self getting bored once i figure it out, and this never takes too long, i mean this post could be seen as arrogant (oh look at me im SOOO smart blah blah), but really this is stuff that runs through my head, i think when people first meet me and get to know me, they are like, eh, yeah hes cool, whatever, i dont think i make much of a first impression, it is the people who stick around and get to know me who see the real me though, and i dont share much of my actual thoughts with people, when i hang out with folks i have the obligatory, what you doin blah blah sort of convos, but really i just do this because it is the status quo, and many of the thoughts i have running through my head are usually stuff that only makes sense to me because i am the one who thinks about it, i dont think i see the world or think of the world as most people do, and i think my truly great friends see this in me, im not flashy, im not instant gratification, i am an acquired taste, but anyone who has spent a lot of time with me knows, they have seen the quiet intellectualism bust out every now and again, a quiet conversation and i will drop some majorly deep shit on the person and they are kinda like, whoa, i had this guy clocked all wrong, many times in my life people have labeled me as stupid or dumb, i never really cared, i think because i know im not, and if they look at me as such, they are the ones who are idiots and i just didnt really care, my oafish body kind of supported this theory, it is interesting how if you are just a big person (im not fat! just big boned....) people automatically dont think you have a brain, but really it is just that i keep most of my stuff to myself, i share rarely but i think that when i do most people actually see it as kind of a special thing, and it is, i can bullshit with the best of em when i have to, but it is these rare moments that i really crack open my shell that people see my inner nature, i come off as rude, abrasive, arrogant, whatever, but when it boils down to it i have a genuine heart, i care deeply for things, moreso than many people think, and other things that some people might take so serious i take as trivial, because they are, i have an interesting point of view on the bigger picture, but it is often the small things that cause me to be oversensitive and over emotional at times, i come off as average, normal, nothin special, but really what it boils down to is that that is so far from the truth, i am far from flashy, but there is a lot more going on here than meets the eye (cheesy line, i know, but poignant) and i think anyone who REALLY knows me, knows this to be true. i have something special inside of me, i just have never let it come to bear, i dont know if i ever will, with the right person or peoples, sure, from time to time, but for the most part i am introverted, inside myself, inside my head, sometimes i share this, but not very often........

people

are batshit nuts! all of them, including myself, we are ALL crazy people, humans make no fucking sense whatsoever, none of them. that is how we are all unique and different we are all crazy in our own way. others dont see it that way, but i just think they are in denial, bottom line, people are insane, we think insane things, we say insane things, we do insane things, and then we try to explain it using excuses........ and no nothing specific brought this up, i just see it everyday, in everyone i interact with, everything i do, it surrounds me, no matter what situation......... i think part of that is finding similar insane people to hang out with, that is how we are broken into our social circles, those whose insanity meshes best with our own. that holds true for every damn person........... i love being insane im just glad i know i am, and i love all my insane partners in crime for their insanity as well.........

I am trapped in a shell of depression........

Most people who are close to me would say ive had a pretty piss poor year in general. yeah alright, i did it to myself. but one thing i did not do to myself, it was given to me through the mix of genes and environment. and it is depression. i suffer from it, to me it is seemingly serious, but im not really sure, it affects my life in every known way, and has me feeling hollow and shallow, though i do not wish to be. i spend days with out a phone call, text, email, you say it. i do not cultivate relationships very well. i dont sleep well, i feel awkward in most social interactions, and my job centers around this, i dont get excited, i cant remember the last time i can honestly felt happy, truly happy, with elation, i do not like myself to meet women in a normal fashion, and when i do it usually turns out to be a train wreck...... i am a fucking mess. i self medicate just so i can forget about it, but this only turns me into an introvert and i spend most of my free time alone. this is my life, this is what i was given, i was blessed with good looks, an athletic body, an intelligent brain, but a flawed brain. this same brain causes me to be sensitive, angry, stupidity annoys me to no fucking end, and yet i am assaulted by it, i get bored when i talk to people, when i do anything, im bored all the time, it is so easy to me to figure things out and i get bored. i have so many things that i am interested in, but never have the motivation to follow through on it. when i meet new people (which in a sense happens every day at work), i feel like im in a shell, i dont fully show myself to people, except in random moments surrounded by good friends, my friends see my worth, and yet i can not, my friends and family care for me, and yet i do not, i do not like myself. that is just how it is. i never have. i cannot explain it and i have been unable to solve it so far. that is the root of it all i believe, and i just dont know if i will ever realize it. as such i have wound up being very self defeating, and deadly to myself, i consume things in excess, bad food, bad diet, dont take care of my self as well as i should, make bad choices that in the long run hurt me, sometimes knowingly. i have issues people. im not trying to shove this on anyone, i am just sharing what is in my head. i think constantly, but think about, those that know me, how much i say, comparitively it is staggering, there is so much shit running through my head constantly, i dont have time to stop AND think, i cant stop thinking. but i dont share much of this about myself on a regular basis, ive been wanting to write about it and i dont think i am done with this post, there is a lot more i hope to accomplish by writing about this, goes to show im not in denial, ive known this for years, and while this may just be something you, the reader, is browsing through this post, but for me, for me this is therapy........... welcome to benland