life

i have done a lot of growing up over the past couple months and even more so over the past couple of weeks and even more so over the past week and even more so over the past day....... confusing huh? i always feel like im growing or attempting to, but in many ways i have simply been stagnant for a few years really, maybe even more than that, what happened to me? i lost my will to have drive, i had a horrible attitude and never did anything with myself to attempt to accomplish anything....... so what the hell happened? i cant really pinpoint any one thing at all, a multitude of things has brought me to this point, nudges in the right direction from friends, sometimes not in the best possible manner, but nudges nonetheless, needless to say life is starting to branch out for me a little bit because i am allowing it to, sure i have my tough days, some days im grumpy and none too happy, but i am trying to get a better grasp on this as well, im trying to keep myself busier than i have been, take today for example, hungover as fuck today, had a great fuckin night though, went and saw 'the hangover' (i know, kind of ironic) with a couple coworkers, downed many a beer, stayed out hung out with them, played some pool, saw a girl checkin me out, and rather than becoming some 'missed connection' or something, i actually just went up to her and introduced myself, was kind of funny too, her friend totally tried to just shove me out of the way, and then some douchebag in her group walked up to me and made some dumb comment about my mega man t-shirt, course neither of them realized that she had been checkin me out, and when i looked over she was sittin for awhile by herself so i went over and talked to her for a bit, and the first thing out of her mouth was whether i played video games, cuz she did too, anyways, i was pretty wasted but we chatted for a bit, i got an email address (apparently in new york they dont like to give out phone numbers, um, okay, well you aint in new york anymore lady), and when her friend with the two douchebags walked up, she waved them away, it was pretty funny cuz i could tell her friend was none too pleased, probly cuz she was trying to get with one of the douchebags and figured it would go better if her friend would as well, i found this all quite amusing and her friend tried to give me the stink eye at one point after our conversation, but i just ignored her friend and the douchebags, in fact when that retard walked up and made that comment, i just said something to her and then walked away, didnt even acknowledge his douchebag presence, it was all quite amusing......... anyways, yeah i digressed a bit, but that was kind of a funny story, so i woke up today all hungover, and spent most of the day that way, so i was fairly mellow didnt do a whole lot, did a lot of processing of some other shit goin on, in a healthy positive manner, then i decided to get some shit done, so i did some organizing (the long project that is all my childhood crap!! yes it is ongoing, im not done yet), picked up a bit around my rooms, then put on some sweats, went for a nice little jog, did my push ups and sit ups, took a shower and shaved, and voila, even hungover, i did something worthwhile, makes me at least feel a bit better about my day, not like it was a total waste, and this is how ive been approaching things lately, yesterday i went and visited my friend in the hospital, and while there found out some things that were hurtful to me, even so though i had this on my mind, i let it go, and went and met up with my coworker buddies and had one hell of a fun night...... i have been using a lot of coping mechanisms lately for things that have been bugging me, and i have found that they work, my friend genevieve posted a fantastic article on facebook about anxiety, and rather than do what i normally do, read a little bit and then get bored, i actually read the whole thing, and it talked about people who are hard wired for anxiety and how some of them dealt with it, it didnt go into great detail about those methods, but i got some good stuff and coupled with my own efforts (doing this right here, writing, that is, is one of those, i have notebooks full of shit, and today i wrote down a lot, but i want to go over this stuff and begin to turn it into lyrics, im sure i have some nifty one liners in all of that, but that is yet another project i have on my list), needless to say, life is finally starting to feel like life again, and yes sometimes it is difficult and sometimes it is hard, but that is why we need the strength to get over those times, we all hurt, we all get hurt, but we can all recover and move on in whatever way we must, and i no longer want my perceived hurts to dog me so much that it makes me do nothing, sure im still gonna have plenty of time to chill, but i want things to do every night, i have multiple projects that i will begin working on, isnt this what life is all about??? why the hell has it taken me so long to understand this????? at least i have finally........ i will not allow myself to waste away into misery and melancholy, there is too much out there for that to happen.......