strange days....

indeed, today was one of the weirder ones, i heard of a lot of goings on with people i know that were not real happy, i hate that, my heart goes out to my friends so strongly that sometimes it almost makes me want to cry, yeah i said it, i am a man and still not afraid to say it, and i almost did today, a couple of times, i could say a lot has been going on for me lately, but you know what??? not much has, and that has been my own personal problem of late...... while talking to a friend of mine it has become apparent that i dont get out and do enough, i mean, a big part of this is having no money, it kind of limits the activities one can do, another problem is that i just dont like going to events with lots of people and what not, i am an introspective introvert, what do you expect??? but really, i have been wanting to get out more and do stuff, kinda funny hearing me say that right as summer is at an end, but needless to say i intend to, i need to actually pursue the things that i like and start doing them, i made a list yesterday at work (slow day to say the least, haha!!!) and that list included: a) learn to play piano (i just bought an electric keyboard the other day, it was fucking great, i got an inkling, have been wanting to do it, so the other night, i walked over to trade up music, looked at what they had, talked to the guy about it for a bit, then bought it, it was definitely an amusing scene for people driving down alberta or 15th ave to see some dude, just walking down the street, with a keyboard under one arm, no bag no nothing, just dude and a keyboard, hahaha, i definitely got quite a few queer stares comin my way!! and then that night did some ol online research, found a book about learning piano for $3 at powells, drove my ass down there, on an empty ass fuel tank, and picked up the book, what a steal, so now i am in practice mode, i still mess around a bit, but i am a beginner and dont really know the first thing about it all, so i am just doing my practice and taking it slow), b) write (writing is something that i love to do for many reasons, not only do i do it to sometimes clear out the muddled mess of thoughts that cloud my brain (lemme tell ya, a great way to relieve anxiety) as well as just free writing, i took my notebook to work the other day and well, just started to free write, kinda workin on a lil story, dont quite know yet where it is going to go, just getting thoughts out on a page, and really that is just the first step i can always go back and punch it into a computer and proofread, add, edit, flesh out all that stuff as i do, so i am going to try to do some free writes a few times a week and then get back to it later and really work on it some more, plus lets say i become the next john tesh or something, i can always take some of my anxiety ridden thought writes and make them into songs, the first step is getting it down on paper), c) build a coffee table (i really want to start learning woodworking, i think it is just fuckin neat, sawing nailing measuring finishing, that all just sounds like fun, how much fun would it be to make my own shit??? great fun i imagine, this one will take a bit to get off the ground as it is much more steeped in finances than some of my other things), d) getting out in nature more, going for hikes, walks, runs, etc. (i love nature and yet i always find myself stuck in a house and yet when i look outside and see a beautiful moon or clouds or trees i want to share this, last night at work i saw the moon in all its glory outside of my bay door, and so i sent a mass text to many of my friends in the portland area to check it out if they could, why? cuz it was fucking amazing looking, i dont need to keep that to myself, i love trees, clouds rain and all of that, so why havent i ever spent more time out in it, because i allowed myself to get sucked into video games, tv and the like, well, i dont really fuck with tv anymore at all, and video games, here and there, but getting out for a hike is a relatively low cost fun activity that allows me to get away from the din and congestion of the city, i need this, badly, i went on a neat lil hike this past weekend, got to see some of the work my buddy is doing, and then we followed that up by going mushroom hunting up on mt hood, and that was the most fun ive had in weeks, it was fucking great, trompin around in the woods looking for yummy mushies, good times had by all for sure) d) take some classes (once again this will be a wait and see as i get finances under control, i dont have the money for this now, but i want to start taking classes, honestly i think i would really like to go back to school, but i dunno, i kind of want to study chemistry, call me crazy, but i always liked it, and it came naturally to me back in the diz-ay, but we shall see, never too old to learn stuff)................................

i guess essentially what it boils down to is that i have been wasting my life for many years now, and i am so bored that my own brain sometimes wont let me get out of my house and pursue the things i want to do, i have always been full of potential but never lived up to it, and i kind of want to get out of the rut ive been in for years.......................

anyways, yeah it has been a weird day, for reasons i wont go into, but a good day, hopefully though tomorrow will go a lil bit better...................... i think it will