finding....

this past month was an interesting one for me, i have been doing a lot of thinking about a lot of things, but one thing that has been nagging me is my lack of inner strength, i have been doing some major introspective review, and finding that i dont necessarily like what i have been seeing, i have had my moments, but these have been followed by weakness, i have a lot of work to do for myself, i need to be selfish, i need to stop worrying about others, and worry more about myself, for years i have given in, given into my own weaknesses, i have not taken care of myself, i have allowed myself to become seduced by drugs, and booze, to a point where it is unhealthy for me, there is nothing wrong with dabbling, but when used to escape reality these are not good catalysts for change, at least not good change, the only change they can bring is a change in mental stability, for the worse, as well as declining health, both physically and mentally, i have been thinking more and more about this, and i can talk and talk and talk about these things all i want but nothing will ever change until i do it, turning thirty one recently i realized i am no longer young, but i am also not old, i am at a severe crossroads for my life, and i need to choose which direction i want to go, one road leads to depression loneliness and poor health, the other road can lead to a healthy mind contentedness and confidence, i want to do things that are more active, i want to be healthy, challenged, right now i am doing none of those things, and i am not happy, i have known i am not happy for awhile, when one realizes ones own unhappiness it does one of two things, either you can continue on the same path and accept this fate, or do something about it, and make a change, change is one of the most difficult things we can do, but the operative phrase there is that we can do it, it is not an easy thing, it requires an entire rewriting of our habits, our brain, the things we are used to, change is hard, old habits are easy, it is easy to grab a beer, it is easy to sit around and do nothing, it is easy to be lazy, change requires hard work, patience, and most of all, will power, it is not easy and it never will be, but i have seen full well where my old habits get me, how they make me feel, and i dont like the way this is, it is time for me to really put my head down and see what im made of, i do not know how it will turn out, but i will never know if i dont put my best foot forward and really try