one of those days....

i felt like this again, i am depressed today, no way around it, no real reason why, it is the normal cycle of my mental stability, part of it is just my mental makeup, i am confused (about a great many thhhingsss..... alright so that was a movie quote, im a nerd too) and frustrated by so much in my life right now, i feel constrained in so many ways that i wish i wasnt but all of those things come from poor decisions i made myself in my own life, and so i have no one else to blame, because of that i can be a bit hard on myself because of it, i sometimes wonder why i tend to do this, there are things i wish i could just cut the cord on and be done with, to never have them hanging over my head, things that take away, to me, my freedom, and my ability to succeed in the ways i wish i was able, and there is no swift route to take care of them, and so i just stay the frustrating course i am on, i must enjoy punishment, because that is what i feel, i have had some good friends tell me some good advice lately on one of the many confusing frustrating aspects of my life in the past week, one matter of factly, one heartfelt and sincere, not that the other advice wasnt, it really was just more matter of factly in idle conversation, yet still a good piece of advice, as far as everything else, well, i just will need in some ways to let this wave pass, that is often how it works then i will once again be full of life and vigor, i am in some ways maybe bipolar, but im not sure, not intensely so mind you, but in a minor way i think i have some of those tendencies, then again maybe a lot of us do, i think so, i dont really know why im writing all of this, i never really do though, just like always, kind of want to get it out somewhere, especially somewhere kind of private while at the same time public, i mean no one really reads this, and that is kind of the beauty of it, in a way it has become my own personal journal, a space for me to get out some of my darkest most negative thoughts, a place for me to shed some of the things weighing me down, it is interesting to me how sometimes i feel as though i am lacking something inside, some sort of desire or passion to do better, to be better, i feel empty in a way, and i dont really know how to buck out of it, i tend to live through those around me, sapping away at those i spend time with, a scavenger of life in a way, i dont really understand it, and i wish i had some motivation and desire, i mean i do, but then again right now i just feel so shackled, by so many things, my brain included, that i dont really know where to begin, if i could just get a nudge in the right direction it would be nice, but then again i dont even know what direction that is, i do not have anything that i really am passionate about, i feel dead inside because of this, i dont understand why, i wish i had some projects to eat up my free time, something where i can work with my hands, i actually really would like to work on something, have something to do where i was active and really working, my job doesnt do this for me, my job gives me exercise and thats about all, it is pretty much devoid of any mental stimulation except for the drama created between coworkers, and while i do participate in it, i dont enjoy it, in fact thinking about it i should stop doing it, i dont really like it and it doesnt make me happy, then again, not much does right about now, i know that sounds bad, but at this physical moment that is mentally how i feel, as i said it will pass, and i know this, time heals all wounds, supposedly, but apparently for some it doesnt, they are still dealing with it and letting it block off what could be something really special, instead it affects me in a way that is negative, and causes me to be very confused and unsure, and that is the worst part of it, i dont think she realizes how much it does affect me, part of me wants to say something, but part of me doesnt care, the longer ive known her, sometimes i feel like the feeling we had when we first met is dying, and that is sad, because it was strong, very strong, course it returns when im not thinking about it, but because of those issues she has, im always thinking about it............ bleh, i dunno, maybe ill just go to bed