lonely soul

i am a lonely soul. i do not say this to be depressing. i do not say this for attention (that would be a bit oxymoronic, no?). i say this as the truth. i have often struggled with this. i go through fits and spurts of socialization. wanting to talk to people. wanting to hang out with people. i think that comes from the lion in me. but ultimately zodiac's cannot change what i am. i spend a lot of time alone. this is not a bad or good thing. it just is. i yearn for contact and attention at times. but only from a few other, somewhat kindred souls. i do not let a lot of people in. and i am fairly choosy about those i do let in. i may disappear for months on end. but for those that i really want to see, well, they know. i wander through my life alone, i wander through my life observing others. seeing things i do not quite understand. dont get me wrong, i have family that loves me, i have friends who love me as well. i love them too. sometimes though, i stay away. i hermitize. i do what ben wants to do. often this is alone. my home is not set up for company. my home is set up for me. of the thirty years i have spent on this planet, i have often either felt, or chosen, to be alone. "J'ai une âme solitaire." i do not want pity, i do not want anything. this is my choice. i could get out. i could go hang out with folks, and meet people. people naturally like me. i just choose to be by myself more often than not. i do not know if this makes me 'happy', but it is who i am, so i am happy with it. i choose my time with people, and i choose it wisely. it is why i did not talk or hang out with a friend of mine for a couple of months, she and i had fun, good conversation, it was time to see her, that is why i reached out. it is why at times i see my friend floating around online, and i choose to ignore him. i cannot talk constantly, taking breaks is a good thing. it is why i was able to go to school, have minimal contact with my friends, then come back and seem like nothing has happened. i have another friend floating around who i have not spoken to in a month, it is about time i reached out. i saw another friend the other week who i had not seen in two years. the friendship had not changed, but life had. this is okay. it is okay to do this. when you are a lonely soul, this is how life is. a constant series of this. and i am okay with it. i observe others while out and about. i watch. i see conversation made just for the sake of conversation. it is pointless. some people see this as 'connection', sometimes it can be, but most of the time, it is simply wasted breath. i do not interact like most. at my work i have many people stand in front of me while i stay quiet and do my job. my interaction with them includes my job. i am not looking for a mind blowing conversation even if they are. some people i connect with, others not so much. so it goes. they do not know that bouncing around in my head is the quote "J'ai une âme solitaire." it is what it is. go listen to alone in kyoto by the band air. that is my life.