ramble on........

i just need to write, no real rhyme or reason as to why, a lot of stuff floating around in the ol noggin and im not really going to elaborate on what, this is all part of the path, part of the path of figuring something out, what that is im not really too damn sure............. and nor do i think i ever will be, life is confusing for me, im not good at the game, i dont enjoy many of the elements, i think i was made for a simpler time, a time more black and white, a time of less choices, born into what you were, the amount of interaction with others at a minimal, i just dont know what it is, i dont really like dealing with other people, small amounts of people, people i choose, i know this is somewhat vain of me, thinking that it is all up to me, that i am the one to make this choice or what have you, but i do, in part i make it by not choosing at all, and at other times i overwhelm a small collective, to the point that that collective wants nothing to do with me for awhile, this is when i go crazy, this is when i bend every whim towards that, it consumes me, and it is not healthy.............. i have been having some serious problems making connections since one person tried to destroy me, in some ways, i think she did, it is difficult to explain, but i have become so attention hungry pretty much since we first parted ways, first it was with her, which she said is what drove her away even more, it led me to be crazy, and even over a year later, it has not gotten better, i get absolutely consumed, and i cant control it, i try to get my mind off of things but i cannot, even if i am doing other things, even if i tune out those things that do keep me mildly connected, and i try to focus on other things, i instead just run thoughts through my head, missing out on parts of what i am trying to utilize to 'take my mind off things', my mind does not get off of things, my mind continues to run around in very tight circles eventually driving it into the ground, i know better, and yet i cannot stop it, i am constantly telling myself i will stop it, and yet i dont, i poke and prod until it runs away, and fast.............. this is why i am a stupid man............. i have many wonderful qualities, qualities that should and do appeal to women, but this strange obsession ive had ever since my near destruction is unexplainable, i do not really know what to do, and it really bothers me, i could just ponder on it more, but will it help? i do not know. i am constantly seeking validation, and approval, and attention, yet in many ways i really dont want it. all i want is to turn my brain off, to forget and let go, just let go of it all, i think actually i am going to go and try to meditate, this can help quiet the mind.......... bye