the sad things.....

move me, i am a fairly emotional person, especially for being of the male persuasion, let alone the hetero male persuasion, but sad things are beautiful to me, they spur on thought, they challenge me to take a look at things in a different way, to recognize the beauty in those things........... there are so many things out there that can do this, at times they are overwhelming, i think these are the times we cry, when beauty overwhelms us, and it is strange because this is not spurred on by sadness, they may be spurred on by sad things, but sad things are touching, they get us to think with our hearts, which i think opens us to beauty, which in turn makes us shed our tears, it is a circle, but in all honesty, show me one thing in the world that is not truly cyclical in nature.............

smiling

i have met someone who makes me smile....... i like it, its nifty.......... never in a million years......... i guess the best ones are the ones that blindside ya..........

friendly disappointment

i have recently been going through some tough times personally, that is not what is concerning me at the moment, what is concerning me is that i made mention of this to the friends that i wanted to share things with, typically the folks i consider to be my 'best friends', or at least those i feel totally comfortable being one hundred percent open and honest with........... most of those folks i had good talks with, they gave me perspective and support......... one friend though, well, one friend, just kind of turned their back on me so to speak, or at least this is kind of how i feel, granted this folkser has a lot going on in their own life (but then again, who the hell doesnt? all my other friend confidants do too), but still looking back on it all and the virtual back turning of the situation really does kind of hurt my feelings......... i am not mad at this person, but i really am kind of disappointed, sad in a way........... they just kind of said, oh, good luck with it all, and i havent heard a peep out of them since......... kind of stinks...........

laid up

sickness sickness! wowsers mcbowsers i was fucking sick, holy hell that was kinda crazy, five days of fever and imploding sinuses, not fun in 80 degree weather........ needless to say i layed or sat around for five days eating barely nothing, finally returned to work today and was just fatigued, craziness, anyways, lately thoughts of my mind have been overpopulated by one word in particular....... resonate............ i feel for the first time in a long time i have found another person that i truly resonate with...... so far i barely know this person, but at the same time, they just kind of make sense, i dont know what to make of it all yet, but as they are a fairly new figure in my life i will say this........ i feel so strongly about this resonation that i know i want this person to be in my life for a very long time....... in what capacity, who, especially me, is to say, i will not speculate, guess, hope, wish, perpetuate or anything else in between, the truth is that right now i have no idea, all i know is i dont want them to go away, simply because of the resonation that i feel...... it is very interesting, most people i listen to or talk to or hang out with and i am always trying to figure them out, i am awkward myself around others, as such i am simply trying to figure out where they are coming from, this person though, i have clarity of vision, even without really knowing them, they just make sense, they resonate with me...........

a lot goin on in the old brain as of late

and a lazy saturday afternoon to display some thoughts and ideas, though really im just effing bored and wanted to write about stuff, will it be interesting, who knows, i guess that is up to the interpretation of the audience, which at this point is somewhat unknown.............. for some reason my writing style is enjoyed by others, but its so so so silly it doesnt make sense, i just drone on and on, with these ridiculous run on sentences that stretch into paragraphs and pages of random thoughts and shit........ as far as the whole quitting smoking thing is concerned, well, that is all done with i guess, i have been quit for over two weeks, and while i do have some mild desires to return to it, this is all pretty natural, and i wont let myself, i want to not do it, for so many reasons, so bye bye smoking......... along with this i have had kind of a crazy couple of weeks, and when i say crazy i mean crazy, like legitimately crazy, this may not be seen by many, but some who are close to me know what this is about, especially those that have cared enough to find out, its funny sometimes when you try to open up to some that they just kind of say, 'oh, um, yeah, well, good luck with all that!', whereas others are genuinely willing to listen and be there for support and all.......... people are funny like that, of course there are others that im choosing not to share with, which is why im being so vague right now......... but really the main thing on my mind over the past few days has been her........ wow....... i dont even really know what to say....... just so freaking rad......... just wish she was around more......... oh well, patience i suppose, patience, too bad my thoughts are not patient....................................... we shall see though hmmmm? but after that night, well, lets say im fairly confident at this point.......... anyways, things have been quite tough for me lately but are going in good positive directions....... alright toodle-oos y'all........

The Quitting Smoking Chronicles: Part IV

wow, getting getting getting worse, im kinda fiendin right now, although substitutes would suffice, i cannot seem to track any, or anyone with any, down right now, everyone says, oh well let me know what i can do to help, well, then i mention the sticky icky, and they are just like, oh, well, anything but that i dont have any, ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! not that it is anyone elses fault i should have planned better recently, and people say oh, just do some situps or pushups when you have a craving, but thats the thing its not like a 'craving' lasts a couple of minutes or whatever, like when you do smoke and know that eventually you can, they last for like an hour or two......... and i dont think i can do sit ups and push ups for that long, just the way it is.......... anyways, hopefully someone will come through with something, and soon, cuz i am losing it...........

The Quitting Smoking Chronicles: Part III

Work

It took less than fifteen minutes but i wanted to kill all of my co-workers almost immediately..... why might you ask? well because we are all some tongue in cheek, sarcastic ass mother fuckers, alright so we dont really fuck mothers (at least i hope not), but yeah we are all very sarcastic, i think i threatened half of them within ten minutes, though P3 deserved it, saying he was thinking of becoming a laker fan, come on, no blazer fan, true fan that is, ever, EVER says that..........

actually though i have to say work went pretty well, the beginning of the day was the toughest, but my customers were pretty mellow, i had one lady freak out on me later in the day, but i actually kept myself in check for the most part, she wrote a nasty comment card about me, and i went through the proper proceedings for that, but you know what, if you walk up to someone and they just immediately start yelling at you, you know you are not going to win that one........ its funny though, some of my co-workers have been known to hand out comment cards with customers they like, but i do not do that, the funny thing is though, people never think of a comment card when they are given good service, for the amount of happy and pleased customers ive had, i have not once had a positive comment card, people just dont think about it, instead they walk away with a smile on their face....... but i digress

really today has been alright, really craved one this morning, and then after work i REALLY REALLY wanted one, thought about it quite a bit while driving past the convenience stores, but my resolve has been good, i really do want to quit, i can feel the physical effects, but its nothing i cant handle, and it is eerily similar to how i felt the last few days while sick, although i am still fighting that a little bit.......

another thing i did at work, and i will continue this, but on my break, which is the hardest time while quitting, cuz um, what did i do on my breaks? smoke the living fucking hell outta some cigarettes, well, we are doing this whole being healthy by walking thing for the month of may, so i picked up one of those pedometers and walked .66 miles on my break, that can only be a good thing.......

so really i have come into a lot of good things through this, i mean, i am changing my lifestyle for the better it aint easy, im not out of it yet, but hopefully i will get a donation from someone, and play my Elder Scrolls IV, just nerd it up and rock out....... thanks for reading, i will update more as it pops up!!!!

The Quitting Smoking Chronicles: Part II

so its been four hours since my last smoke, i know i know, only four hours, but this shit sets in pretty quick, right now it isnt so much not having had a cigarette, my mind is trying to play tricks on me, because it knows i dont even HAVE any cigarettes, i was in freddy's bout an hour ago and caught myself looking at the prices, to which i said to myself, no, not gonna do it....... anyways im starting to feel the onset of it already, a big help will be sleeping tonight, eight hours (appx) without in a rough time, that will be good, but even driving around i have noticed a slight shortening of the temper, but i guess nothing unusual, but yes the cravings are there, BUT i also have been researching some video games, found one that is hours long, so essentially taking up a great deal of time, and i rewarded myself for my quitting by getting that game, its a role playing game, the kind i love, so it should be fun, anyways that is my reward and will also be my foil, and then once i feel better, exercise will also be a foil, especially with the nice weather, walks and such will be quite good......... funny story, after having gone to five different stores to find this freakin game (yes, five, but hey its super good, super long, and half the price of a normal 'new' ps3 game, so its worth it, okay? see see im getting testy already, even with my so-called 'audience'.........) im driving home, sitting at the red light on 15th at Killingsworth, there is this little boy draped over the back seat of this minivan, just totally zoning out on my left turn signal, meanwhile i was making a face at him hoping he would notice, well, eventually he did, so he and i had a nice little face wars battle, then he turned away, which was good, cuz i was running out of funny faces.........

last but not least, if anyone out there is willing to donate any weed to my Quitting Smoking Marathon, my charity is accepting donations, eases the pain and gives my psychological side something to smoke....... alright, wait for tomorrow, it should be an exciting adventure, i am returning to work, where my habits have been smoking, it is going to be a really tough half day, but i am up for the challenge, i will post more tomorrow afternoon........................

The Quitting Smoking Chronicles: Part I

so it begins.....

now i have said this before, i have smoked my last cigarette, even as i write this my nicotine addled brain attempted to put the word 'not' in before 'smoked', this is the way of nicotine, i have done this before, i quit for a year, only stress and the wrong situation caused me to want to start up again, i have been saying for awhile that i want to quit, but saying and doing are two very different things, but when i found out the price went up to 7.25 a pack, well, i just cant justify, or afford to pay that much, the downside is the first three days, this is when the physical and psychological affects of the addiction attack, those that havent ever smoked do not understand, i have smoked for over ten years, making it even that much harder, last time i quit i wrote myself through it all, had a blog on a myspace that no longer exists, it was my own journal of quitting, the people that read that thought i was crazy and for the first few days of it i was, you go through mood swings, thoughts become erratic, and your will is bent on one thing only, nicotine, they have found that nicotine is more addictive than the addictive ingredients in cocaine and heroin, now does that mean the withdrawl is worse??? no, but it is as hard if not harder to kick, in its own ways........ so i just smoked my last cigarette about a half-hour ago....... i will document my progress here......... edition one of the quitting chronicles........ and one last thing, i must remember the positives of quitting, i never felt better, things smelled better and tasted better and i just felt healthier and had more energy, this means a summer of kickball and basketball......... so here goes.....