one of those days....

i felt like this again, i am depressed today, no way around it, no real reason why, it is the normal cycle of my mental stability, part of it is just my mental makeup, i am confused (about a great many thhhingsss..... alright so that was a movie quote, im a nerd too) and frustrated by so much in my life right now, i feel constrained in so many ways that i wish i wasnt but all of those things come from poor decisions i made myself in my own life, and so i have no one else to blame, because of that i can be a bit hard on myself because of it, i sometimes wonder why i tend to do this, there are things i wish i could just cut the cord on and be done with, to never have them hanging over my head, things that take away, to me, my freedom, and my ability to succeed in the ways i wish i was able, and there is no swift route to take care of them, and so i just stay the frustrating course i am on, i must enjoy punishment, because that is what i feel, i have had some good friends tell me some good advice lately on one of the many confusing frustrating aspects of my life in the past week, one matter of factly, one heartfelt and sincere, not that the other advice wasnt, it really was just more matter of factly in idle conversation, yet still a good piece of advice, as far as everything else, well, i just will need in some ways to let this wave pass, that is often how it works then i will once again be full of life and vigor, i am in some ways maybe bipolar, but im not sure, not intensely so mind you, but in a minor way i think i have some of those tendencies, then again maybe a lot of us do, i think so, i dont really know why im writing all of this, i never really do though, just like always, kind of want to get it out somewhere, especially somewhere kind of private while at the same time public, i mean no one really reads this, and that is kind of the beauty of it, in a way it has become my own personal journal, a space for me to get out some of my darkest most negative thoughts, a place for me to shed some of the things weighing me down, it is interesting to me how sometimes i feel as though i am lacking something inside, some sort of desire or passion to do better, to be better, i feel empty in a way, and i dont really know how to buck out of it, i tend to live through those around me, sapping away at those i spend time with, a scavenger of life in a way, i dont really understand it, and i wish i had some motivation and desire, i mean i do, but then again right now i just feel so shackled, by so many things, my brain included, that i dont really know where to begin, if i could just get a nudge in the right direction it would be nice, but then again i dont even know what direction that is, i do not have anything that i really am passionate about, i feel dead inside because of this, i dont understand why, i wish i had some projects to eat up my free time, something where i can work with my hands, i actually really would like to work on something, have something to do where i was active and really working, my job doesnt do this for me, my job gives me exercise and thats about all, it is pretty much devoid of any mental stimulation except for the drama created between coworkers, and while i do participate in it, i dont enjoy it, in fact thinking about it i should stop doing it, i dont really like it and it doesnt make me happy, then again, not much does right about now, i know that sounds bad, but at this physical moment that is mentally how i feel, as i said it will pass, and i know this, time heals all wounds, supposedly, but apparently for some it doesnt, they are still dealing with it and letting it block off what could be something really special, instead it affects me in a way that is negative, and causes me to be very confused and unsure, and that is the worst part of it, i dont think she realizes how much it does affect me, part of me wants to say something, but part of me doesnt care, the longer ive known her, sometimes i feel like the feeling we had when we first met is dying, and that is sad, because it was strong, very strong, course it returns when im not thinking about it, but because of those issues she has, im always thinking about it............ bleh, i dunno, maybe ill just go to bed

a lil bit bothered.......

hmmmm, i definitely have something bothering me, and i know exactly what it is, it just sucks that i dont really know how to go about handling the situation, like, at all, i know what people have told me thus far, and i know i should be wary of it for sure, but i dont really know the proper way to go about it either, i guess one big reason is simply that i knew about this for awhile, and yet i still pursued, and pursuing has at least finally gotten somewhere, i am just a bit unsure of really where to go with it all, its a tough one to crack thats for damn sure, i just always really wished that people were not damaged goods or dealing with emotional attachment to a previous person when they see me, i wish they would realize 'hey! its been over a year, maybe i should let go', but no, that hasnt happened, if anything it is almost becoming a cycle, as we inch closer together she has this old shit bubble up in her brain, and while she doesnt exACTly talk to me about it, she kind of does through means she knows will reach me, but those same means are for her and her alone and not for me, so in some ways i cant really comment on it at all, but at the same time it does affect me, and it hurts to tell you the honest truth, and i dont like that, things seemingly are going well, then i read that shit and its just kind of like, ouch, wow, im glad you are still holding a torch for someone who has been out of your life for over a year, i mean fuck man, i know it takes time, but jesus christ, dont let the past ruin your present, the past is gone, and nothing can be done to change the past, so move on, and live your fucking life please, with or without me, i dont really care, but it hurts to hear that, it sucks to have you not be emotionally available, and truth be told, i really dont know how much longer i am gonna hold my current patience level................. eh, women

what a....

shit fucking weekend, i am in a really fucking bad mood today, this weekend has just sucked, nothing has seemed to go right, fucking goddamn bikes blocking access to downtown, making me look like a bad friend, that really pisses me off, just fucking ahhhhhhhhgggggghhhhhhh, im seriously in a pissed off mood, and nothing seems like it will alleviate that, i hate it when things dont go my way, sure i know that makes me sound like a baby but it just really pisses me off, i dont even know how to explain it im just really frickin angry at the world and everyone right now, and i just want to hide for the next month, i dont want to hang out with anyone or talk to anyone or see anyone, im just pissed off and bored outta my mind and sick of the computer and movies and feeling like i have the plague or something, god fucking dammit, sometimes i just want a lil love and attention too, im only fucking human after all, but instead im just pissed off at the world, fuck everyone, this week started out great and then just went to fuckin shit, its times like these that i just get so frustrated and hate my fucking life, its times like these that i start thinking really bad thoughts, all i want to do is sleep til fucking tuesday and then just ignore everyone and everything, actually i just want to run away and disappear never to return, leave everything behind and just get the fuck outta here forever, fuck

wowsers...... im bored.....

as all holy fuck today, i took the day off cuz i was so fucking exhausted (maybe it has something to do with the seven hours of sleep i got combined over back to back nights, hmmmmmm, ill have to look into that), and so i spent some of the day sleeping, getting coffee, just generally chillin, and now im just bored as fuck, i dont even know what to do with myself, there are some folks i would like to hang out with but neither of them are getting back to me at the moment, one of them, well, im not really sure why he hasnt, guess he is busy, and the other one, wellllll, i dunno, i guess i have spent a lot of time with her already this week, but i have the most fun with her, but im not surprised i never heard back from her, she is sorta a free spirit, not the kind of person who likes to spend too much time with one person, and very independant at the same time........ hmmmmmm........ not to mention money is limited for me, this always seems to really dwindle the old options huh? and with the more money ive been spending on gas lately, money is certainly tight......... oh well i will just spill my lamentations out on my blog that no one reads anyways, which is no big deal because sometimes i dont know if i want anyone to read what i write in the first place, i dont really have too much goin on which means i really dont have a lot to say, once again normally i might just write someone i know and let them know all these random thoughts bouncin round my head, but once again she is the same person i have spent quite a bit of time with already this week, too bad for her im addicted, but its all good i have also learned not to bug her too much, heh that is when she tucks tail and runs for a bit.............. i wish i had more hobbies, but sometimes reading and writing is not enough, and somedays nothing sounds appealing to me to begin with......... so it goes. at least my week has been pretty stellar, good things happening after all the fucking turbulence i felt last week, much tension has been washed away and allowed my brain to quiet down to a certain degree........... which is nice, i have been on this mental emotional rollercoaster for quite some time now so it is kind of nice to have gotten some confirmation on some things, yippee, and in such a good fancy way too....... oh well, it is what it is, guess i will just find something to do, thanks for not reading! heh heh heh

letting go.....

i think it is so difficult at times to let go of things, we all get fanciful ideas and follow and act on them, and sometimes we just need to let go of these thoughts, and yet it is a lot easier said than done........ i seriously need to let go of one thing in particular right now, one particular idea, it is just not ever going to be what i think and wish it would be, its impossible to be that, as such, i just need to let it go, i will admit, this will be a difficult prospect as it has invaded and taken over my brain for a few months now, but thats alright, as i mentioned in my earlier post today, i am kind of a selfish and personal quest to find some inner strength, and not just find it, but act on it, cutting out some of the things i do that are bad for my health, both mental and physical, and focus on things that will simply improve on it, as i said this will take time but thats ok, i am in a good mood tonight, sure i have a couple nagging issues on the ol brain tonight, but i feel good about it all, it will all be a good thing for me, and its a beautiful night here in the concrete jungle, the temperature has finally kicked back, i have a few endorphins still floating around, im listening to radiohead outside while on my trusty laptop, its a good night.......... intorspection is always a strong suit of mine so of course im sitting here writing about myself and what is in my head, but i dont mind, because well, as i have said before this blog is more about me than anything else, the things i share come from my deep inner well, unlike others, i have seen other blogs and they are all fancy and the writing is all happy happy, and well, i am not always just a happy happy person, i very much have a dark side and i think that more often than nought that all comes out in my blog, it is where i go when i want to empty my mind, and i empty my mind by writing, which brings me to another subject off but yet on topic, i need to find a way to harness this writing, well i dont need to but i would like to, i would like to find a way to harness its powers and use it for good (yes i am a nerd and this is very tongue in cheek comic bookiness, ha! the best at the cheesy pun, that is really why spiderman was so fucking rad before the movies destroyed him! i like to call him snarky, heh heh), but yeah and i tend to do a little bit better when not obsessing over stuff, and unfortunately i have been obsessing yet again all weekend on something that is a waste of brain time, it isnt going to be easy, i dont quite know how to put it, but it has been a painfully enjoyable obsession these past few months, but one that has eaten at me at the same time, healthy? i dont know, but i do know that i will also never cut it off...... you might sit there and wonder, huh? why the fuck not? well, i dunno, but we all meet people for reasons, and i dont yet know the reason for this one, it isnt and wasnt what i initially thought, but at the same time, there is a very powerful thing at work there too, and this is not one sided either, this is seen from both parties, its just that, one party is more into it than the other, and wants more than the other, and i have to respect that........ and will, while at the same time figuring out a way to let go......... it will happen though, the more i focus on me and stop worrying about it i will succeed at this........ it is a good thing, and yet somewhat sad, but overall, a good thing.............. so much going on in this head, so much so much

finding....

this past month was an interesting one for me, i have been doing a lot of thinking about a lot of things, but one thing that has been nagging me is my lack of inner strength, i have been doing some major introspective review, and finding that i dont necessarily like what i have been seeing, i have had my moments, but these have been followed by weakness, i have a lot of work to do for myself, i need to be selfish, i need to stop worrying about others, and worry more about myself, for years i have given in, given into my own weaknesses, i have not taken care of myself, i have allowed myself to become seduced by drugs, and booze, to a point where it is unhealthy for me, there is nothing wrong with dabbling, but when used to escape reality these are not good catalysts for change, at least not good change, the only change they can bring is a change in mental stability, for the worse, as well as declining health, both physically and mentally, i have been thinking more and more about this, and i can talk and talk and talk about these things all i want but nothing will ever change until i do it, turning thirty one recently i realized i am no longer young, but i am also not old, i am at a severe crossroads for my life, and i need to choose which direction i want to go, one road leads to depression loneliness and poor health, the other road can lead to a healthy mind contentedness and confidence, i want to do things that are more active, i want to be healthy, challenged, right now i am doing none of those things, and i am not happy, i have known i am not happy for awhile, when one realizes ones own unhappiness it does one of two things, either you can continue on the same path and accept this fate, or do something about it, and make a change, change is one of the most difficult things we can do, but the operative phrase there is that we can do it, it is not an easy thing, it requires an entire rewriting of our habits, our brain, the things we are used to, change is hard, old habits are easy, it is easy to grab a beer, it is easy to sit around and do nothing, it is easy to be lazy, change requires hard work, patience, and most of all, will power, it is not easy and it never will be, but i have seen full well where my old habits get me, how they make me feel, and i dont like the way this is, it is time for me to really put my head down and see what im made of, i do not know how it will turn out, but i will never know if i dont put my best foot forward and really try