time for words

have had an interesting couple of weeks, in fact i use that phrase a lot it seems, too much. but i feel as though i have been growing up over the past few months. more so than i have in the past. i feel as though i am finally coming into my own. sure some things are the same, i still have some similar frustrations, still have to be patient as things are coming my way, but not fast enough for my usual liking, but that is ok. after a year in which i totally lost myself, i have realized lately that it has taught me many things. friends that i have neglected in the past, things that i like that also took a back seat in my life. all because i was willing to give it all up for another person. and then that person stabbed me in the back, sent me to the depths of pain both emotionally and financially. but i have bounced back, i have learned from it all. i was at the edge of the cliff, was pushed off, grabbed the one little tree root i could clasp on the way down and fought my way back to the top. i would not say i have emerged unscathed by any stretch of the imagination, but my scars have healed over, i have taken the proper time and effort to right the ship, and while far from smooth sailing, my course is set.

i guess what i am alluding to here is that i have found myself, have found the redeeming qualities in myself, have vowed to never give up myself ever again. if i am alone for the rest of my life so be it. if i do find someone however, they must learn to like me for me, and not expect me to change, they must fit into my life, as i must fit into theirs, but i will not give up those things or ideals which sit near and dear to my heart. twice have i shunned good friends for women, who is to say they will allow that to happen again, i cannot and i will not ever put them in a position to even ponder that decision. i have discovered that i am a strong person, have developed a sense of maturity. am i perfect, far from it, i still have my faults, i still have things to work on. but i have learned a lot about myself, i have learned that the world does not stop even if you wish it would long enough to catch your breath. i have a good time with my friends, they mean the world to me, they want to see me succeed as much as i want to. in the past i have made poor decisions to put me where i am but through it all i have learned so much about these poor decisions, learned enough to make sure i never do it again. learned solidarity, how to laugh in the face of adversity. i am growing up, yet still a kid, i am in a good space. i guess this is what turning thirty is all about, growing up. some choose to do it earlier, i have taken my sweet ass time, but i would not have it any other way.