its been awhile..........

i dont even know if anyone even still follows these blogs in general, especially mine, but sometimes i get in a mood to write, and it is at these times that i find myself on here, spewing my thoughts, for all the world to see and yet no one to look at it, but that is okay, i feel the ability to be almost totally candid and honest because of that, it makes for a great open forum for myself, so it is nice............... i have found myself undergoing a fundamental paradigm shift recently though, it is interesting, my attitude has been undergoing a transformation before my very eyes, ive said it many times before but i really do feel as though i am coming out of a very dark part of my life, and into a much better time, sure there are still stresses and still struggles, that is life, an ongoing up and down of the unforeseen, but ultimately i am handling it better, i find myself crawling away from the depressed opression of my own brain, allowing myself to see the positive in life and in myself, allowing myself to laugh and be open, to be myself, this can sometimes get me into mild trouble simply because of my brash and open sense of humor, i feel like sometiimes i take it too far but ultimately i find the most obscene and offensive things in life as the most humorous at times, simply because you have to poke fun at the ridiculous, and oftentimes the seriousness of obscenity is the most ridiculous thing we run across in this world, incredulousness seems to need to be made fun of, if we cannot laugh at that which sorely needs to be laughed at then how can we be expected to truly combat the ridiculousness of life in general, anyways i digressed a wee bit there, but ultimately, life has been going well, i have seen this in many aspects, there has been a change in my own interactions with people, not only the retarded (but sometimes cool) customers at my work, as well as with people i have known almost my entire life, to new people i meet and interact with, i have an infectious personality when i am joking happy and jovial, people look up to me, or at least take value in my opinion and my thoughts more when i am not beating up myself and just enjoying life, they tend to want to be around me and talk to me more, the interactions are more positive, and i feel, overall, better, and it has been wonderful, hey i still get grumpy, but dont we all, but i get through it, and laugh again........... life is good, and getting better........................

life

i have done a lot of growing up over the past couple months and even more so over the past couple of weeks and even more so over the past week and even more so over the past day....... confusing huh? i always feel like im growing or attempting to, but in many ways i have simply been stagnant for a few years really, maybe even more than that, what happened to me? i lost my will to have drive, i had a horrible attitude and never did anything with myself to attempt to accomplish anything....... so what the hell happened? i cant really pinpoint any one thing at all, a multitude of things has brought me to this point, nudges in the right direction from friends, sometimes not in the best possible manner, but nudges nonetheless, needless to say life is starting to branch out for me a little bit because i am allowing it to, sure i have my tough days, some days im grumpy and none too happy, but i am trying to get a better grasp on this as well, im trying to keep myself busier than i have been, take today for example, hungover as fuck today, had a great fuckin night though, went and saw 'the hangover' (i know, kind of ironic) with a couple coworkers, downed many a beer, stayed out hung out with them, played some pool, saw a girl checkin me out, and rather than becoming some 'missed connection' or something, i actually just went up to her and introduced myself, was kind of funny too, her friend totally tried to just shove me out of the way, and then some douchebag in her group walked up to me and made some dumb comment about my mega man t-shirt, course neither of them realized that she had been checkin me out, and when i looked over she was sittin for awhile by herself so i went over and talked to her for a bit, and the first thing out of her mouth was whether i played video games, cuz she did too, anyways, i was pretty wasted but we chatted for a bit, i got an email address (apparently in new york they dont like to give out phone numbers, um, okay, well you aint in new york anymore lady), and when her friend with the two douchebags walked up, she waved them away, it was pretty funny cuz i could tell her friend was none too pleased, probly cuz she was trying to get with one of the douchebags and figured it would go better if her friend would as well, i found this all quite amusing and her friend tried to give me the stink eye at one point after our conversation, but i just ignored her friend and the douchebags, in fact when that retard walked up and made that comment, i just said something to her and then walked away, didnt even acknowledge his douchebag presence, it was all quite amusing......... anyways, yeah i digressed a bit, but that was kind of a funny story, so i woke up today all hungover, and spent most of the day that way, so i was fairly mellow didnt do a whole lot, did a lot of processing of some other shit goin on, in a healthy positive manner, then i decided to get some shit done, so i did some organizing (the long project that is all my childhood crap!! yes it is ongoing, im not done yet), picked up a bit around my rooms, then put on some sweats, went for a nice little jog, did my push ups and sit ups, took a shower and shaved, and voila, even hungover, i did something worthwhile, makes me at least feel a bit better about my day, not like it was a total waste, and this is how ive been approaching things lately, yesterday i went and visited my friend in the hospital, and while there found out some things that were hurtful to me, even so though i had this on my mind, i let it go, and went and met up with my coworker buddies and had one hell of a fun night...... i have been using a lot of coping mechanisms lately for things that have been bugging me, and i have found that they work, my friend genevieve posted a fantastic article on facebook about anxiety, and rather than do what i normally do, read a little bit and then get bored, i actually read the whole thing, and it talked about people who are hard wired for anxiety and how some of them dealt with it, it didnt go into great detail about those methods, but i got some good stuff and coupled with my own efforts (doing this right here, writing, that is, is one of those, i have notebooks full of shit, and today i wrote down a lot, but i want to go over this stuff and begin to turn it into lyrics, im sure i have some nifty one liners in all of that, but that is yet another project i have on my list), needless to say, life is finally starting to feel like life again, and yes sometimes it is difficult and sometimes it is hard, but that is why we need the strength to get over those times, we all hurt, we all get hurt, but we can all recover and move on in whatever way we must, and i no longer want my perceived hurts to dog me so much that it makes me do nothing, sure im still gonna have plenty of time to chill, but i want things to do every night, i have multiple projects that i will begin working on, isnt this what life is all about??? why the hell has it taken me so long to understand this????? at least i have finally........ i will not allow myself to waste away into misery and melancholy, there is too much out there for that to happen.......

i will say it....

today was a fun but fucked up day, learned some shit that was hard to see, but enjoyed life for what it was, i am makin strides and that is what is important, that is the first step, saw my friend in the hospital, she was fucked up, she will be fucked up for awhile, sunnyside hospital will be in my plans for awhile, because, well, thats what friends do, even if they had there heart broken in small ways today, i dont care, more of it is on me in the first place, and whatever, if that is her choice so be it, i personally wouldnt find balding men who live three hours away attractive but im not her, so whatever, i need to find myself anyways, i will continue to visit her, and it was hard for me, but i will be a good friend, because that is what i am what i always have been to those im close to, and she is in a tough spot, all in all, its not the way i want to see a reconciliation, but its all good, she cares and i care and thats enough for me to step up to the plate, anyways aside from that it was a good day, hung out with some coworkers, saw a funny movie, totally approached a girl that was checkin me out at a bar and got an email addy, these are all big steps for me, living life, this is whatg i really need to do, and i gotta say it was a good day........... i will process it all over a few cups o coffee tomorrow and let all the pain seep out into words in my journal, while attempting to take some of these words and turning them into my passion, life is good, i am good, as velvet underground would say, i am beginnning to see the light...............

weighted mind

this has been quite a week for good ol benners, thursday was a particularly interesting day, i have had two friends lose loved ones this week, and another friend who was seriously injured in a car accident, along with all of this, i had some own troubles this week at work, which have since been worked out thanks to an above and beyond manager who actually gives a shit about her employees and does everything she can to help them, this is such a valuable thing, my job is not glorious, it is just a job, but i work with some truly great people, people that care about each other, and that is such an important component, especially when it comes from the top down, of course we are one of the most sarcastic shit flinging group ever, but hey, that just makes a dull job fun!!! but as far as my friends are concerned i feel such a compassion towards them, so strongly that it almost brings me for tears, i wish i could do more for them in these times, but all i can do is let them know that i care, it is just hard to show them that i care so much sometimes for people i am close to in times of need that my heart feels like it is almost going to burst out of my chest, i have many flaws in my character and general self, but this is not one of them, i am really concerned for my friend in the hospital, she has suffered a really heinous accident, it is kind of interesting for a time there because our friendship was kind of falling apart, but i think she had some serious thoughts about this after her troubles, simply because i think serious incidents such as hers makes people see how truly fickle certain things in life can be, like the recent squabbles we have had, i have only known her for a short amount of time, but i care about her as much as anyone in my life, i feel so much for her right now, and plan to go visit her soon....... i miss her and glad she is still alive honestly......... life is funny like this sometimes, but it hasnt stopped me either, feeling this way, i had a customer drive up today and she said "why are you so happy?" and i was kind of like, am i? and she said yeah you seem happy, then i told her that two friends had lost loved ones recently and another had been in a serious accident, and the look on her face was pretty classic, but you know what, as much as i feel for my friends right now, i can not and will not let that affect my general mood, even though it does not directly effect me, it does because of my compassion towards others, but these are times that others need to be pillars of strength, these are moments that i shine, so i will let myself shine through and hopefully be a beam of light to people in these times......................

strange days....

indeed, today was one of the weirder ones, i heard of a lot of goings on with people i know that were not real happy, i hate that, my heart goes out to my friends so strongly that sometimes it almost makes me want to cry, yeah i said it, i am a man and still not afraid to say it, and i almost did today, a couple of times, i could say a lot has been going on for me lately, but you know what??? not much has, and that has been my own personal problem of late...... while talking to a friend of mine it has become apparent that i dont get out and do enough, i mean, a big part of this is having no money, it kind of limits the activities one can do, another problem is that i just dont like going to events with lots of people and what not, i am an introspective introvert, what do you expect??? but really, i have been wanting to get out more and do stuff, kinda funny hearing me say that right as summer is at an end, but needless to say i intend to, i need to actually pursue the things that i like and start doing them, i made a list yesterday at work (slow day to say the least, haha!!!) and that list included: a) learn to play piano (i just bought an electric keyboard the other day, it was fucking great, i got an inkling, have been wanting to do it, so the other night, i walked over to trade up music, looked at what they had, talked to the guy about it for a bit, then bought it, it was definitely an amusing scene for people driving down alberta or 15th ave to see some dude, just walking down the street, with a keyboard under one arm, no bag no nothing, just dude and a keyboard, hahaha, i definitely got quite a few queer stares comin my way!! and then that night did some ol online research, found a book about learning piano for $3 at powells, drove my ass down there, on an empty ass fuel tank, and picked up the book, what a steal, so now i am in practice mode, i still mess around a bit, but i am a beginner and dont really know the first thing about it all, so i am just doing my practice and taking it slow), b) write (writing is something that i love to do for many reasons, not only do i do it to sometimes clear out the muddled mess of thoughts that cloud my brain (lemme tell ya, a great way to relieve anxiety) as well as just free writing, i took my notebook to work the other day and well, just started to free write, kinda workin on a lil story, dont quite know yet where it is going to go, just getting thoughts out on a page, and really that is just the first step i can always go back and punch it into a computer and proofread, add, edit, flesh out all that stuff as i do, so i am going to try to do some free writes a few times a week and then get back to it later and really work on it some more, plus lets say i become the next john tesh or something, i can always take some of my anxiety ridden thought writes and make them into songs, the first step is getting it down on paper), c) build a coffee table (i really want to start learning woodworking, i think it is just fuckin neat, sawing nailing measuring finishing, that all just sounds like fun, how much fun would it be to make my own shit??? great fun i imagine, this one will take a bit to get off the ground as it is much more steeped in finances than some of my other things), d) getting out in nature more, going for hikes, walks, runs, etc. (i love nature and yet i always find myself stuck in a house and yet when i look outside and see a beautiful moon or clouds or trees i want to share this, last night at work i saw the moon in all its glory outside of my bay door, and so i sent a mass text to many of my friends in the portland area to check it out if they could, why? cuz it was fucking amazing looking, i dont need to keep that to myself, i love trees, clouds rain and all of that, so why havent i ever spent more time out in it, because i allowed myself to get sucked into video games, tv and the like, well, i dont really fuck with tv anymore at all, and video games, here and there, but getting out for a hike is a relatively low cost fun activity that allows me to get away from the din and congestion of the city, i need this, badly, i went on a neat lil hike this past weekend, got to see some of the work my buddy is doing, and then we followed that up by going mushroom hunting up on mt hood, and that was the most fun ive had in weeks, it was fucking great, trompin around in the woods looking for yummy mushies, good times had by all for sure) d) take some classes (once again this will be a wait and see as i get finances under control, i dont have the money for this now, but i want to start taking classes, honestly i think i would really like to go back to school, but i dunno, i kind of want to study chemistry, call me crazy, but i always liked it, and it came naturally to me back in the diz-ay, but we shall see, never too old to learn stuff)................................

i guess essentially what it boils down to is that i have been wasting my life for many years now, and i am so bored that my own brain sometimes wont let me get out of my house and pursue the things i want to do, i have always been full of potential but never lived up to it, and i kind of want to get out of the rut ive been in for years.......................

anyways, yeah it has been a weird day, for reasons i wont go into, but a good day, hopefully though tomorrow will go a lil bit better...................... i think it will

interesting.....

"People are complicated. The more those complexities can be understood, the better off we are." this was a statement taken from a basketball that i read, and wow, i love it, sheer poetry in the words, at least to me, for a number of reasons, as those who actually read this blog may now, i tend to take things that i see and relate it for me, because my brain really does revolve around me, im complicated i guess, and few people have wanted to jump in and find out why, or understand me, those that have, i tend to believe really find the ways they appreciate me, but i digress, i guess i read this and it just kind of made me think how genius a statement it is and how it relates to me, lately it does on two different levels, on one level it makes me think of a friend i have made lately, she is very complicated, and i dont really understand much, but feel i understand more than a lot of people, along with this though is that i think it goes both ways with her, i think she finds me interesting and intriguing and in ways wants to understand me, but she also holds back from this, there are reasons for this, and i wont go into it here, its just kind of interesting to me, but even more so this hits home with my job, we get every kind of person imaginable coming into my work, when i was at work today i was in the kiosk, essentially the point man, the prepper, telling people whats goin on where to go, yadda yadda, but you just see SOOOO many people at that position, and with that so many different personalities, and it is interesting to attempt to even comprehend these people and figure out what they are like, really people piss me off a lot, but that doesnt mean that i dont find them fascinating, cuz i do, as a species we are one of the strangest i have ever experienced, and i like to understand people (though i sometimes get a bit lost attempting to understand myself) because it is hard for me to fathom some of these people and why they act like they do, and even while most people are complicated, you can see how easy it is to categorize them, because they want to be categorized, i think that goes hand in hand with feeling 'accepted', hahaha, maybe that is why i roll with a bunch of crazies, weirdos, and nutbags, hahahahahahha! it also makes me think of my coworkers, i get along with most of them for the most part, sure some better than others, but one coworker in particular i think really gets me on a little bit of a deeper level, dude is the shit, but when he and i are talkin or hangin out, the conversation goes in eccentric oddball directions, and we are usually laughing about this shit, but it seems like he actually takes an interest in some of the shit that comes outta my mouth, and on some level gets it, and i like that, its pretty cool to actually connect with someone in that way...............

one of those days....

i felt like this again, i am depressed today, no way around it, no real reason why, it is the normal cycle of my mental stability, part of it is just my mental makeup, i am confused (about a great many thhhingsss..... alright so that was a movie quote, im a nerd too) and frustrated by so much in my life right now, i feel constrained in so many ways that i wish i wasnt but all of those things come from poor decisions i made myself in my own life, and so i have no one else to blame, because of that i can be a bit hard on myself because of it, i sometimes wonder why i tend to do this, there are things i wish i could just cut the cord on and be done with, to never have them hanging over my head, things that take away, to me, my freedom, and my ability to succeed in the ways i wish i was able, and there is no swift route to take care of them, and so i just stay the frustrating course i am on, i must enjoy punishment, because that is what i feel, i have had some good friends tell me some good advice lately on one of the many confusing frustrating aspects of my life in the past week, one matter of factly, one heartfelt and sincere, not that the other advice wasnt, it really was just more matter of factly in idle conversation, yet still a good piece of advice, as far as everything else, well, i just will need in some ways to let this wave pass, that is often how it works then i will once again be full of life and vigor, i am in some ways maybe bipolar, but im not sure, not intensely so mind you, but in a minor way i think i have some of those tendencies, then again maybe a lot of us do, i think so, i dont really know why im writing all of this, i never really do though, just like always, kind of want to get it out somewhere, especially somewhere kind of private while at the same time public, i mean no one really reads this, and that is kind of the beauty of it, in a way it has become my own personal journal, a space for me to get out some of my darkest most negative thoughts, a place for me to shed some of the things weighing me down, it is interesting to me how sometimes i feel as though i am lacking something inside, some sort of desire or passion to do better, to be better, i feel empty in a way, and i dont really know how to buck out of it, i tend to live through those around me, sapping away at those i spend time with, a scavenger of life in a way, i dont really understand it, and i wish i had some motivation and desire, i mean i do, but then again right now i just feel so shackled, by so many things, my brain included, that i dont really know where to begin, if i could just get a nudge in the right direction it would be nice, but then again i dont even know what direction that is, i do not have anything that i really am passionate about, i feel dead inside because of this, i dont understand why, i wish i had some projects to eat up my free time, something where i can work with my hands, i actually really would like to work on something, have something to do where i was active and really working, my job doesnt do this for me, my job gives me exercise and thats about all, it is pretty much devoid of any mental stimulation except for the drama created between coworkers, and while i do participate in it, i dont enjoy it, in fact thinking about it i should stop doing it, i dont really like it and it doesnt make me happy, then again, not much does right about now, i know that sounds bad, but at this physical moment that is mentally how i feel, as i said it will pass, and i know this, time heals all wounds, supposedly, but apparently for some it doesnt, they are still dealing with it and letting it block off what could be something really special, instead it affects me in a way that is negative, and causes me to be very confused and unsure, and that is the worst part of it, i dont think she realizes how much it does affect me, part of me wants to say something, but part of me doesnt care, the longer ive known her, sometimes i feel like the feeling we had when we first met is dying, and that is sad, because it was strong, very strong, course it returns when im not thinking about it, but because of those issues she has, im always thinking about it............ bleh, i dunno, maybe ill just go to bed