crushed and yet not......

cuz i am still strong. i have learned a lot about myself recently, a lot about me that i had never really allowed out of the box, i have always been an anti society guy, but yet i still have let society get a hold of me in a lot of ways, but in some ways i am trying to shed all of this, not all i guess, but find what really makes me tick, what is good for me and what is not. i have gone through a great deal of personal growth and still have a very long way to go, the old adage life is a journey, and yeah it is. read some shit tonight that threw me for a loop, it wasnt surprising, well, maybe parts of it were, just because they were parts i cannot really interpret, and in some ways those parts could either make me feel slightly better, or slightly worse, but in general, even though i knew the things i read without actually having to read them, doesnt mean it doesnt hurt at all. in fact it hurts alot. but part of what i have been figuring out about myself is that i am strong enough to deal with it. life goes on, i cannot change this in any way shape or form, and as such, i will deal with it all as i must, i will not let things that hurt get in the way of who i am or where i am going, because i have learned that i have the strength to deal with a lot, hell, the whole lindsay thing taught me that, but i sunk into a deep dark hole for a long time, and i am no longer going to allow myself to do that. every day is a new day, full of possibilities, full of options, and i will do what i must to make the best of that. i will not let any of this get me down, because it has taught me so much, and while i threw caution to the wind, i still knew that this exact scenario, could, and probably would happen. as such i was somewhat prepared for it, but that does nothing to take the hurt away, cuz that is very real. but it is momentary, pain fades in and out of our lives constantly, and it is merely something to make us stronger and more prepared for future struggles. as one of my favorite authors always used to say, so it goes. and it does, its nice to have some goals and an eye to the future. tomorrow is always a new day.

the day after.......

i have made an amazing discovery....... the day after i drink i get depressed!!!!! holy crap, i know! but seriously this is one reason i have cut booze out by a country mile, it just really depresses me, i mean some of this im sure can be attributed to my general demeanor, but i have really felt quite melancholy today, very much in my head, a lot of alone time (which is a good thing, i wouldnt want to subject anyone to myself when i feel this way), but my thoughts tend to run rampant on days like this, thankfully i have come to realize this, recognize this, and i know that it will go away, i know that on a day like today i have to let my thoughts do what they are going to do, but also largely ignore them, otherwise i will say things to people that i really do not want to say, or do things i really dont want to do, when i get this way i do not want to be around others, they wont cheer me up, i have tried that before but have found that it doesnt work, it does not stop my brain from being on overdrive and instead i tend to sit there totally out of conversation and not really paying attention to anything going on around me, sure i am writing this now, but in no way does this encompass what i have really thought about today, as i said i will not subject anyone to those thoughts, they are mine and mine alone, as a song i know says, if anyone knew everything you thought theyd just wish youd shut up, and it is so true, but im working on finding more proper outlets for my thoughts and what have you getting them out there in a way that works for me, i know all of this will pass, and im glad for that, i know being like this does not take away from who i am as a person, and yet maybe if i lived a more full life it wouldnt be as bad, but i am, as we all know, a lonely soul, and i enjoy that, i am who i am, i walk alone and im okay with this, eventually, someday, when i am ready perhaps i will travel my paths with someone who can enjoy being with me, times like these definitely make my mood brighter, but it has to be right to, i dont want to force it, and i want to be at a point in my life when i know what i want and who i am, a time when i am not so easily influenced by others because i have figured out who i am, and what i truly desire....... this has always been my weakness, so ready to fall into someone else that i do not take the time to catch myself............ i am working on becoming a stronger person, of taking care of myself, of not letting things get to me so easily, the most trying of times are days like today, when i am depressed, i learn to deal with it, and swallow the pain i feel, and realize that it is only temporary, it will pass, much as the day itself has, i just got in from a walk in the rain, just me, my ipod, and my thoughts, when it started raining i put my hood down and just let it wash over me, i love times like these, as i said someday it will be nice to share those moments with someone who is keen to that, someone who is not afraid to go for a walk in the rain, to traverse the paths with me, and see what i see but also share what they see......... yes i am yearning for something, but i am also patient, it will come when the time is right, and that time is not right now.............. everything will be alright....................

changes......

yesterday was an interesting day for me, i was at work bored, then a friend texted me sayin that she had the day off blah blah, so i bolted work, we hung out, did awesome things, ran around in the woods, off the beaten path (which was freakin sweet!) we hung out and talked and talked, i dont think i talked as much, cuz i usually dont, went and got ice cream, traipsed around a park, played with some blackberry bushes, you know sweet stuff, then just hung out real late stylie........ it was an awesome day on so many levels, but on other levels a bubble was somewhat burst, not totally, but somewhat, but really this bubble bein burst shit wasnt all bad, it got me thinking about a lot of things, things i havent thought about enough, things i have let slide over the years, it was interesting, i just took a real long look at my life and realized there is so much work i have to do, for myself, by myself, not that i will be by myself, but it just kind of rocked my entire way of thinking while having this conversation, i know what i dont want out of my life, but i also havent really figured out what i do want with my life either, this is why i have been somewhat of a nomad, living from place to place, struggling with so much not really making very good decisions for me or for my life, in a way i just always thought someone else would bail me out, i look back though and realize my skills are limited but they dont have to be, i realized that i struggle with money especially in the sense that i have wasted so much of it, and im kind of sick of it, i have wanted to be in relationships, when really i am not in a position to be, this does not mean i dont want to get laid, cuz, well, i certainly do, i have just been so hung up on various things the past ten years of my life that i havent really just allowed myself to have fun.......... all in all, i am going to go into a period of life where i figure out what i want, i dont want to be attached to anyone, i dont want to be responsible for anyone else or their feelings, i need to take care of myself, and get my own shit straightened out, this is going to take awhile, i need to set some major goals and stick to them, as well as minor and medium sized goals as well, i need to make some changes and get my life to a point that i want it, so that i can decide what will be best for me............ i am impatient by nature, this will be hard, but i know i can do it

the dark.......

nighttime is one of my favorite times, it is full of intrigue and always has been to me, i was never a kid who was afraid of the dark, and as ive grown up (yes i know it is still debatable as to whether i have or not, but hold your comments for the time being) i have found myself drawn to it, when i was a young child i used to get up very early, like clockwork, but once i got older and was able to spend more time up at night, i grew more and more interested in the mysteries it beheld, the day time to me is boring, everything is hustle and bustle, the light provided us by the sun allows us to see everything and anything, but when nighttime hits, the dark covers all, and aside from a light here to a light there, there are so many unseens and unknowns tucked away in the corners and in the distance, i think this is why so many people are afraid of the dark, because of this unseen and unknown, i have always enjoyed taking a moment in the dark and really finding my surroundings, allowing my eyes to grow accustomed to the absence of light........ when i was back at school in wisconsin, my friend had a bonfire party on his farm, i wasnt in a very social mood, and decided to go off on a little solo adventure, there was another farm aways down the road from his that was deserted and also said to be haunted, that was part of my intrigue, but i also just wanted to wander off and experience this darkness, honing senses other than my eyes to become aware of my surroundings, i remember ambling down Bier (pronounced By-er) road in total darkness looking at the hulking masses of trees that surrounded both sides of the road gazing up at them and at the stars above and relishing every moment of it, when i got to the farm, i did not disturb any of the buildings, but i sat down in the middle of them all and just took it all in, allowing myself to become one with the darkness surrounding me, just looking, and listening, and feeling, this is one of my most cherished moments............. recently i was out in the woods with a compatriot, we had decided to go up in the woods and cook some campfire dinner, we found a spot close to a gravel road in the dead of the woods, and found a road behind the trees that seemed to go on for awhile, we followed for a bit then went back to start the fire, but ever since my night there i have been yearning to go back there in the night time and follow that road, just to see where it goes, i suppose one should be worried about the element of surprise, and my companion has let it be known that there are many, potentially dangerous critters in that area, let alone god knows what or who up there, but still my curiosity is piqued and i have wanted to go amble on that road just to see where it goes, maybe a little bit more prepared than we were that night, but nonetheless......... a night like tonight was so beautiful to me, i spend most of my time alone, these are the moments i yearn to share with someone, moments that i want someone else to see and feel the way i do as i look at the peacefulness of the night, the peacefulness that can be so easily shattered by any number of things, things we cannot see lurking in the shadows, things that if we are not aware can catch us unaware, this is and always has intrigued me, and i see such beauty in it............. i love the solitude it provides..............

she shit out a kid

to any of you who know about my psycho ex, well, you know that essentially she was a piece of trash, and i have confirmed this lately by finding out that she shit out a kid (just know, anyone i know who is planning on having a child, or has already had one, i am happy for that, so dont take this the wrong way please) this is especially funny to me for a number of reasons, first of all was how much she never wanted to have kids, period, number two, its funny because it means i took her car from her when she was preggo, number three its funny because she is a piece of trash and think that she was still drinking and smoking during her pregnancy, number four its funny because ITS NOT MINE........ and some poor fuckin sap who isnt me is with her, what a fitting end........................ she really is living up to her white trash clackamas roots.................