i can recognize........

that i am at a good place in my life, i live in a stable environment, with a roommate that i get along with quite well, i have a good job, and i am quite good at it, i am fairly stable, i realize and recognize all of this, i am not necessarily happy, but thats ok, the first step is knowing i am at a good place, i still have some work to do, but i am fairly content with the stability in my life, this is a good thing, and im quite glad about it all, anyways, thats all i have to say for now :)

ramble on........

i just need to write, no real rhyme or reason as to why, a lot of stuff floating around in the ol noggin and im not really going to elaborate on what, this is all part of the path, part of the path of figuring something out, what that is im not really too damn sure............. and nor do i think i ever will be, life is confusing for me, im not good at the game, i dont enjoy many of the elements, i think i was made for a simpler time, a time more black and white, a time of less choices, born into what you were, the amount of interaction with others at a minimal, i just dont know what it is, i dont really like dealing with other people, small amounts of people, people i choose, i know this is somewhat vain of me, thinking that it is all up to me, that i am the one to make this choice or what have you, but i do, in part i make it by not choosing at all, and at other times i overwhelm a small collective, to the point that that collective wants nothing to do with me for awhile, this is when i go crazy, this is when i bend every whim towards that, it consumes me, and it is not healthy.............. i have been having some serious problems making connections since one person tried to destroy me, in some ways, i think she did, it is difficult to explain, but i have become so attention hungry pretty much since we first parted ways, first it was with her, which she said is what drove her away even more, it led me to be crazy, and even over a year later, it has not gotten better, i get absolutely consumed, and i cant control it, i try to get my mind off of things but i cannot, even if i am doing other things, even if i tune out those things that do keep me mildly connected, and i try to focus on other things, i instead just run thoughts through my head, missing out on parts of what i am trying to utilize to 'take my mind off things', my mind does not get off of things, my mind continues to run around in very tight circles eventually driving it into the ground, i know better, and yet i cannot stop it, i am constantly telling myself i will stop it, and yet i dont, i poke and prod until it runs away, and fast.............. this is why i am a stupid man............. i have many wonderful qualities, qualities that should and do appeal to women, but this strange obsession ive had ever since my near destruction is unexplainable, i do not really know what to do, and it really bothers me, i could just ponder on it more, but will it help? i do not know. i am constantly seeking validation, and approval, and attention, yet in many ways i really dont want it. all i want is to turn my brain off, to forget and let go, just let go of it all, i think actually i am going to go and try to meditate, this can help quiet the mind.......... bye

lonely soul

i am a lonely soul. i do not say this to be depressing. i do not say this for attention (that would be a bit oxymoronic, no?). i say this as the truth. i have often struggled with this. i go through fits and spurts of socialization. wanting to talk to people. wanting to hang out with people. i think that comes from the lion in me. but ultimately zodiac's cannot change what i am. i spend a lot of time alone. this is not a bad or good thing. it just is. i yearn for contact and attention at times. but only from a few other, somewhat kindred souls. i do not let a lot of people in. and i am fairly choosy about those i do let in. i may disappear for months on end. but for those that i really want to see, well, they know. i wander through my life alone, i wander through my life observing others. seeing things i do not quite understand. dont get me wrong, i have family that loves me, i have friends who love me as well. i love them too. sometimes though, i stay away. i hermitize. i do what ben wants to do. often this is alone. my home is not set up for company. my home is set up for me. of the thirty years i have spent on this planet, i have often either felt, or chosen, to be alone. "J'ai une âme solitaire." i do not want pity, i do not want anything. this is my choice. i could get out. i could go hang out with folks, and meet people. people naturally like me. i just choose to be by myself more often than not. i do not know if this makes me 'happy', but it is who i am, so i am happy with it. i choose my time with people, and i choose it wisely. it is why i did not talk or hang out with a friend of mine for a couple of months, she and i had fun, good conversation, it was time to see her, that is why i reached out. it is why at times i see my friend floating around online, and i choose to ignore him. i cannot talk constantly, taking breaks is a good thing. it is why i was able to go to school, have minimal contact with my friends, then come back and seem like nothing has happened. i have another friend floating around who i have not spoken to in a month, it is about time i reached out. i saw another friend the other week who i had not seen in two years. the friendship had not changed, but life had. this is okay. it is okay to do this. when you are a lonely soul, this is how life is. a constant series of this. and i am okay with it. i observe others while out and about. i watch. i see conversation made just for the sake of conversation. it is pointless. some people see this as 'connection', sometimes it can be, but most of the time, it is simply wasted breath. i do not interact like most. at my work i have many people stand in front of me while i stay quiet and do my job. my interaction with them includes my job. i am not looking for a mind blowing conversation even if they are. some people i connect with, others not so much. so it goes. they do not know that bouncing around in my head is the quote "J'ai une âme solitaire." it is what it is. go listen to alone in kyoto by the band air. that is my life.