Monday, January 12, 2009
I am trapped in a shell of depression........
Most people who are close to me would say ive had a pretty piss poor year in general. yeah alright, i did it to myself. but one thing i did not do to myself, it was given to me through the mix of genes and environment. and it is depression. i suffer from it, to me it is seemingly serious, but im not really sure, it affects my life in every known way, and has me feeling hollow and shallow, though i do not wish to be. i spend days with out a phone call, text, email, you say it. i do not cultivate relationships very well. i dont sleep well, i feel awkward in most social interactions, and my job centers around this, i dont get excited, i cant remember the last time i can honestly felt happy, truly happy, with elation, i do not like myself to meet women in a normal fashion, and when i do it usually turns out to be a train wreck...... i am a fucking mess. i self medicate just so i can forget about it, but this only turns me into an introvert and i spend most of my free time alone. this is my life, this is what i was given, i was blessed with good looks, an athletic body, an intelligent brain, but a flawed brain. this same brain causes me to be sensitive, angry, stupidity annoys me to no fucking end, and yet i am assaulted by it, i get bored when i talk to people, when i do anything, im bored all the time, it is so easy to me to figure things out and i get bored. i have so many things that i am interested in, but never have the motivation to follow through on it. when i meet new people (which in a sense happens every day at work), i feel like im in a shell, i dont fully show myself to people, except in random moments surrounded by good friends, my friends see my worth, and yet i can not, my friends and family care for me, and yet i do not, i do not like myself. that is just how it is. i never have. i cannot explain it and i have been unable to solve it so far. that is the root of it all i believe, and i just dont know if i will ever realize it. as such i have wound up being very self defeating, and deadly to myself, i consume things in excess, bad food, bad diet, dont take care of my self as well as i should, make bad choices that in the long run hurt me, sometimes knowingly. i have issues people. im not trying to shove this on anyone, i am just sharing what is in my head. i think constantly, but think about, those that know me, how much i say, comparitively it is staggering, there is so much shit running through my head constantly, i dont have time to stop AND think, i cant stop thinking. but i dont share much of this about myself on a regular basis, ive been wanting to write about it and i dont think i am done with this post, there is a lot more i hope to accomplish by writing about this, goes to show im not in denial, ive known this for years, and while this may just be something you, the reader, is browsing through this post, but for me, for me this is therapy........... welcome to benland
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5 comments:
i get it. completely. that is how i feel MOST of the time. It is like you are swimming against the most horrific current you've ever experienced and sometimes it gets stronger the more you swim. and Everyone else is racing past you above the water in the comfort of their very own speed boat. But every single day i get up and swim as if my life depended on it...and, well... i guess it sorta does.
swim as hard as you can ben, it's not easy...but it's your very best option.
i luv ya!
I agree with Vieve man. Swim like you mean it. You are a good swimmer and so you should have no worries with that. Speaking of which . . . you spend a lot of time alone. This is no news to me. So I think you would benefit immensely from . . . swimming. I think you are close to Columbia pool. There's always Dishman. Its something you do alone. Its very meditative. All you can hear is the sound of water going in and out of your ears. The bubbles that you make underwater are soothing to look at. I know you like swimming man. I think what you are lacking, maybe, is something that is BEN BROWN. Also I think whats going on is you are spending too much time sitting and thinking. While swimming you can still engage in your favorite pass time . . . thinking . . . but in a way that encourages insane amounts of oxygen and blood flow to your brain, the result ending in more positive thoughts. I'm going to say one last thing. Remember the Jason Brown that wasn't into exercise, pre Tetons? I feel like I am far better off mentally than I ever was. As you know I still have my ups and downs but the downs don't last nearly as long anymore. The ups . . .higher than ever ;) You haven't been online in a while. I miss you. Be well my friend.
hi mr. benjamins-
i don't think i've dicussed it with you before but i suffered from major, debilitating depression for a huge chunk of my life. it's genetic- my father is manic depressive, my mother is an alcoholic... i'm the only one in my family (including siblings and grandparents) not on anti-depression drugs. i decided when i was 13 i was going to make myself better- and without drugs. it was a long, hard road but i traveled it and it's an amazing feeling to overcome something like that. i have often suspected that you were suffering from depression but didn't feel it was my place to say anything. i just want you to know that i know what it's like. if you ever feel like talking, i'm here for you. talking was a huge factor in my recovery and i'll do whatever i can to help you.
btw, i think jason's advice to swim is fantastic, you'd be amazed at how much physical exercise can improve your mood.
I agree with JB, and swim a couple of times a week myself. Always welcome to join.
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