nerves

i get so nervous sometimes, and it sucks, i really wish i didnt and it usually involves the females of the species, if i could just be myself im sure it would be no problem, i think part of it stems from anticipation and the hope that things will be cool and go smoothly, but then my nerves take over and it all becomes weird, i dont know why this happens so much to me, maybe its because i have met so many women online, so you get to know them, already think they are rad and hope the same, what i havent seemed to realize is that they wouldnt be hangin with ya in the first place if they didnt feel the same way, but it all still just leaves me lonely and girl-less, which sucks, i just wish i had more self-confidence and believed in myself a bit more, ive gotten better about it lately which makes me think eventually it will all work out and happen, but still it has overcome me, im done with the online shit though, that shit is for the birds......... just lame when you meet someone cool and then act like a total goober and ruin it..........

my friends

i have truly amazing and awesome friends, even though my family is here in portland, my friends are my real family, they know me better than my family, and i love them all very dearly for who they are and the part they play in my life........... when i was younger, my dad tried to instill in me that i shouldnt trust anyone, people always let cha down and the only people you can trust is your family, i fought that notion, in my way that is how i rebelled against him (with my mom it was/is obviously cleaning), and even though i was let down many a night with broken plans, exclusion, just plain forgotten about, we have all experienced this, and i never let up or gave up, i have been in fights with my friends, in one case thats how i met one of my friends, another where we didn't communicate for about a year or more, and then on a premonition i called him to reach out because the grudge we were holding onto just seemed so silly to me, and it happened the day after a life altering event had occurred for him, and another friend i stopped communicating with for some reason, mostly cuz of my tag-along at the time, and it became this weird thing, but we put that behind us, i guess what im saying is, as with any relationship, friendships sometimes take a little work and maintenance, a very low level of it true, but they can be easily repaired and sometimes strengthened by this, and in some sick sense it is all a shared experience.

but my friends listen to me, and choose to share in my life because they are interested in me, they will help me if i need it and they are able, they are there in good times and bad, they spur you on to an unthinkable task with their bold perspective, and i in turn try and do the same for them, i am brutally honest, and i poke fun at peoples quirks, but in a way that is my own weird way of saying i love who you are and i think those quirks are rad, so be you! i am starting to really appreciate this all and see it for what it is........ my friends are my family, and i trust them more than my own family, more than the supposed 'only people i can trust', my family has been good, dont get me wrong, but they dont know who i am as well as all of you, my friends..........

i love you all, i mean that, and no im not drunk, just coming into my own is all.........