it can take awhile.....

as ive mentioned in previous posts, i spend a lot of time alone, i spend a lot of time thinking, more than i think most people understand, i come off as arrogant at times i think because i find some things so simple (and yet simple things i make way difficult, go figure), this is also a reason i get so bored, i need to challenge myself, but whenever i take on a challenge i find my self getting bored once i figure it out, and this never takes too long, i mean this post could be seen as arrogant (oh look at me im SOOO smart blah blah), but really this is stuff that runs through my head, i think when people first meet me and get to know me, they are like, eh, yeah hes cool, whatever, i dont think i make much of a first impression, it is the people who stick around and get to know me who see the real me though, and i dont share much of my actual thoughts with people, when i hang out with folks i have the obligatory, what you doin blah blah sort of convos, but really i just do this because it is the status quo, and many of the thoughts i have running through my head are usually stuff that only makes sense to me because i am the one who thinks about it, i dont think i see the world or think of the world as most people do, and i think my truly great friends see this in me, im not flashy, im not instant gratification, i am an acquired taste, but anyone who has spent a lot of time with me knows, they have seen the quiet intellectualism bust out every now and again, a quiet conversation and i will drop some majorly deep shit on the person and they are kinda like, whoa, i had this guy clocked all wrong, many times in my life people have labeled me as stupid or dumb, i never really cared, i think because i know im not, and if they look at me as such, they are the ones who are idiots and i just didnt really care, my oafish body kind of supported this theory, it is interesting how if you are just a big person (im not fat! just big boned....) people automatically dont think you have a brain, but really it is just that i keep most of my stuff to myself, i share rarely but i think that when i do most people actually see it as kind of a special thing, and it is, i can bullshit with the best of em when i have to, but it is these rare moments that i really crack open my shell that people see my inner nature, i come off as rude, abrasive, arrogant, whatever, but when it boils down to it i have a genuine heart, i care deeply for things, moreso than many people think, and other things that some people might take so serious i take as trivial, because they are, i have an interesting point of view on the bigger picture, but it is often the small things that cause me to be oversensitive and over emotional at times, i come off as average, normal, nothin special, but really what it boils down to is that that is so far from the truth, i am far from flashy, but there is a lot more going on here than meets the eye (cheesy line, i know, but poignant) and i think anyone who REALLY knows me, knows this to be true. i have something special inside of me, i just have never let it come to bear, i dont know if i ever will, with the right person or peoples, sure, from time to time, but for the most part i am introverted, inside myself, inside my head, sometimes i share this, but not very often........

people

are batshit nuts! all of them, including myself, we are ALL crazy people, humans make no fucking sense whatsoever, none of them. that is how we are all unique and different we are all crazy in our own way. others dont see it that way, but i just think they are in denial, bottom line, people are insane, we think insane things, we say insane things, we do insane things, and then we try to explain it using excuses........ and no nothing specific brought this up, i just see it everyday, in everyone i interact with, everything i do, it surrounds me, no matter what situation......... i think part of that is finding similar insane people to hang out with, that is how we are broken into our social circles, those whose insanity meshes best with our own. that holds true for every damn person........... i love being insane im just glad i know i am, and i love all my insane partners in crime for their insanity as well.........

I am trapped in a shell of depression........

Most people who are close to me would say ive had a pretty piss poor year in general. yeah alright, i did it to myself. but one thing i did not do to myself, it was given to me through the mix of genes and environment. and it is depression. i suffer from it, to me it is seemingly serious, but im not really sure, it affects my life in every known way, and has me feeling hollow and shallow, though i do not wish to be. i spend days with out a phone call, text, email, you say it. i do not cultivate relationships very well. i dont sleep well, i feel awkward in most social interactions, and my job centers around this, i dont get excited, i cant remember the last time i can honestly felt happy, truly happy, with elation, i do not like myself to meet women in a normal fashion, and when i do it usually turns out to be a train wreck...... i am a fucking mess. i self medicate just so i can forget about it, but this only turns me into an introvert and i spend most of my free time alone. this is my life, this is what i was given, i was blessed with good looks, an athletic body, an intelligent brain, but a flawed brain. this same brain causes me to be sensitive, angry, stupidity annoys me to no fucking end, and yet i am assaulted by it, i get bored when i talk to people, when i do anything, im bored all the time, it is so easy to me to figure things out and i get bored. i have so many things that i am interested in, but never have the motivation to follow through on it. when i meet new people (which in a sense happens every day at work), i feel like im in a shell, i dont fully show myself to people, except in random moments surrounded by good friends, my friends see my worth, and yet i can not, my friends and family care for me, and yet i do not, i do not like myself. that is just how it is. i never have. i cannot explain it and i have been unable to solve it so far. that is the root of it all i believe, and i just dont know if i will ever realize it. as such i have wound up being very self defeating, and deadly to myself, i consume things in excess, bad food, bad diet, dont take care of my self as well as i should, make bad choices that in the long run hurt me, sometimes knowingly. i have issues people. im not trying to shove this on anyone, i am just sharing what is in my head. i think constantly, but think about, those that know me, how much i say, comparitively it is staggering, there is so much shit running through my head constantly, i dont have time to stop AND think, i cant stop thinking. but i dont share much of this about myself on a regular basis, ive been wanting to write about it and i dont think i am done with this post, there is a lot more i hope to accomplish by writing about this, goes to show im not in denial, ive known this for years, and while this may just be something you, the reader, is browsing through this post, but for me, for me this is therapy........... welcome to benland